Reviews for The Nightingale Fallout

Reviews For: The Nightingale Fallout - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

ravenurse 2008-05-08 ch 5,	abuseI was sitting here at work, totally bored, checked my emial and woohoo you had posted another chapter! This one is really good, I hope he has no visitors during the night, and maybe he can find the cure at the plant...
FlamingFlie 2008-05-03 ch 2,	abuseI'll review you more later, but I have a fever and need to shower and sleep! ~Flamingflie (PS: stories not storeys)
FlamingFlie 2008-05-03 ch 1,	abuseThe whole idea of the story was pretty good and I like the Nuclear Power plant (very eerie), but I think the story also needs a bit more frosting (description's, although you did have a good platform just add a little bit more to allow the reader to be inside of the story along with the character). It had a good length too (many people either write chapters that take you hours on end to look through or are too short to qualify as one), and you had a good ending; not to hang cliffy, but with enough suspense to keep the reader going. Another thing that you could work on (and it's so hard to get it right, I still can't do it) is tenses for example: "He eventually lifts his arms as he pushes himself upward into a sitting position. There is a soft clinking sound as glass shards fall from his body. He brought his hand to his head..." You use present tense with "He lifts" and then switch to past with "He brought"... however, this is EXTREMELY difficult to actually do right and mistakes in this regard should be expected. On the subject of your title. I love your title, it's a very cool name for a town (which you actually made a blueprint for to make it more realistic!) and it was a good part to start the story off. Since I'm intrigued, I will continue! (good job though) ~Flamingflie
Esther Jade 2008-04-21 ch 1,	abuseWell done on the freebie win! I just watched another episode of Battlestar. ;) Your diction seems to be quite good and your setting descriptions are well fleshed out. I liked the character touch with him having listened to all his CDs too many times. It was a very human detail. The writing style is quite difficult to get into, though. You seem to flip-flop between past and present tense somewhat randomly and I personally find that very distracting. Also, I noticed a lot of comma splices: commas cannot be used to separate main clauses. I'm not sure where your plot is going but I'd be careful with material on nuclear reactors. It's quite a well-researched and fairly accessible field so it will be harder to create something that comes across as realistic...
ravenurse 2008-04-15 ch 4,	abusereally good! although it is a little late for the mask, if it's airborne he will have already caught it...waiting for your next chapter!
Andrea Roycee 2008-04-13 ch 2,	abuseWow! This is really good, Evera is right though you do have a lot of unnecessary stuff. I dont' think she read the end of the story though, the baseball bat was used.
Evera19 2008-04-13 ch 2,	abuseyour wording got better in this chapter, but not to an extreme. One thing I feel like sharing, my english teacher told us when we were writing an essay, that if your describing a room and you say there was a shotgun hanging over the mantel, somebody had better shoot that gun before the end of the story. In other words...make every detail count. I was reminded of this when you put a baseball bat in the doctor's office. I think it was probably one of the best pieces of advice that my teacher ever gave us. So yah, just had to share that. BTW the story is getting a lot more interesting.
Evera19 2008-04-13 ch 1,	abuseI really liked the concept that you are setting forth for this story. It reminded me a lot of house of was, but Elliot has a lot more signs telling him that this town is abandoned. The thing I didn't like is how your presenting it. You say things like "he quickly slides it into his pocket." I think it would be better to tell it from an angle like "He quickly slid it into his pocket." Instead of slides. This style of writing the story kind of distracts from it. I think you've got a really good story going, but I almost don't want to read on because I have to deal with it being told with extra filler crap. Other than that, nice job.
staco 2008-04-13 ch 1,	abuseI've only read the first chapter, but so far, this seems like it'll be interesting. The only big problem I can see is that you switch from present and past tense a lot. An example: "Elliot looked around the forest and then tries the key in the door". It should either be "Elliot looks around the forest and then tries the key in the door" or "Elliot looked around the forest and then tried the key in the door". Other then that problem, this seems good.
leavesanity 2008-04-13 ch 1,	abuseYay!! 2 more chapters while I was away! I read them both and both are truly amazing! Yay! Another chapter please! -lulu
Distilledfx 2008-04-12 ch 1,	abuseHey, interesting story... I'm a huge fan of Silent Hill so this was sort of familiar to me :D Some notes I took while reading you story... "swervs" should be "swerves" "He didn’t know which direction of the road to travel, he didn’t care which direction to travel, he just walked." This repeats itself a little, maybe something like "He didn't know or care which direction to take on the road, he just walked." "At least his sweater kept him warm as the cool air hit him." The breeze seems unlikely to hit him any more now than before, maybe the sweater is insulating him against the harsh cold? "He was in need of a hospital after all." This line only really highlights his lack of urgency to get help. He obviously wants it, but there is no panic or anything. "After several minutes he looked up," this leads me to believe he walked 5 miles in several minutes. "Several minutes passed, several quiet minutes," you have used several quite a bit. "What he discovered was a large key, he looked over the door, and sure enough, there was a keyhole underneath the latch." This is weird. It's too easy, it seems like a video game. Also the whole scene reminds me of Silent Hill. Similes and Metaphors are missed in this writing, the description seems flat at times. "Serving as a test subject of sorts," this is a strange thing to have on a tourist kiosk. "the nuclear power plant in the center" Why would they build the plant in the centre of town? Overall, this story has the feel of something deeply disturbing. At the moment (end of the first chapter) you have your audience in the town with Elliot and suspense is building. When "The Horrors Begin" in the next chapter, there will be huge expectations of really creepy things. It appears you have planned your story thoroughly (even making a map... great idea!) and it shows. One more thing though is Elliot really needs some characterisation. Great stuff here, hope you can keep the suspense building.
Fractured Illusion 2008-04-10 ch 1,	abuse"He sighed as he drove, hopefully this job offer was worth the long trip." Hmm, a bit awkward there. It seems like they ought to be two different sentences, split at the comma. Maybe, to fit better, try "yet hoping this job" etc? "he unwrapped it and pops it into his mouth" Hm... POPS? As in, present? But you are writing in past tense, so shouldn't it be "popped"? "By now he was far enough down the mountain [that] maybe he could get a station to come in" Add a "that"? "Elliot says aloud" No, no. Keep with your tenses! Past tense! It is "said" So basically, most of your words that end in "s" should end in "ing" or "ed". Unless I missed something in English class when dealing with present tense (this is likely. I have also never written in present tense so I dont know much, so maybe in present tense you can mix all the tenses) By now I suggest you try to avoid using the same word so close by (ie, static, voice) It dulls the impression. "quickly abandoned that attempt at finding help. Remembering his cell phone," Well, he mustn't have abaondoned it if he went for his phone to get help :P Specify a bit because it seems odd. Like "at finding help in this abandoned place". Sort of. Except you cant use abandoned so much but you know what I mean, right? :P "It wasn’t just badly maintained, it looked as though it was paved once and then forgotten about." Hmm... I like this imagery. Its very specific and odd, which is a good combo in this case. I like your plot set-up. What with the whole nuclear thingie. It's an interesting idea in that it has many possible outcomes for what could have happened. BUT I think you introduced this too early. Let there rest some mystique in his surroundings and have it unfold. For excitement value and all. I am not quite sure what to think of Elliot yet. I have not really seen nor felt enough of him to form an opinion. Now go work on not repeating the same words and the tenses. :) -Frac This review was brought to you by toast: a delicious snack enjoyed in-between morning starvation and dinner.
ravenurse 2008-04-02 ch 3,	abuseYour map is great! The story is getting very interesting also, can't wait to see what happens next!
leavesanity 2008-03-29 ch 2,	abuseLove this story! I can picture everything perfectly! This would be a perfect movie, too! -lulu
ravenurse 2008-03-28 ch 2,	abuseYour story is great! The descriptions are vivid and easily imaginable. Next chapter, please :)

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