Hey, I know this is a REALLY late review for December's RM but I got caught up with some stuff and then I totally forgot about. So, I'm sorry this is very late and congrats on winning!

Now, on to my review. I think you have some great pacing here, the narrative drive was really good and kept me reading all the way through. I also found some of your descriptions really interesting eg thoughtful shoes. However, I thought you had a lot of extraneous phrases which just seemed to be thrown in because the words were interesting eg "That is, assuming that a pace means a step" -- that was an interesting sentence, but I'm not sure what purpose it served. It didn't seem to add anything.

I also thought that the dialogue could have been done a little bit better. It sounded fairly natural, which is always a plus, but you seem to have all but cut out speech tags. In their place you've inserted a lot of little actions. There's nothing wrong with that, really -- in fact, I think it's good -- but I just thought you could have made those actions a little more interesting to bring your characters to life.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say. Thanks for a good read,
-Ink-

Ok, it's concrit time!
Opening: The very beginning isn't really dull, but it's not that interesting, either. I was actually a little confused as to what time period it was in, but everything gets more interesting and coherent as you go along.
Characters: Even though this is only the first chapter, the character development is good. The interactions in the library scene were good, and Monica's jealousy and resentment were totally believable. And so far, I love Anni and how she talks to herself inside her head. Very awesomesauce.
Grammar and spelling- Jesse, I would like to congratulate you. I didn't find a single typo in the whole thing. :D
Plot: Again, it's only the first chapter, so I can't say much about plot, but there's a lot of suspense building up towards the end. I definently want to read more. :)

Heya Ace! Here is your well earned prize review for your third place in Review Marathon April! :D Congrats!

I think it was a pretty quirky (and thus, interesting) way to open the story. The sixteen paces, I mean. It made as a reader wonder "WTF?" because really, what is going on, and what is the relevance? It piqued interest, in other words, which is good.

Got to warn you though, be careful with the adverbs! You seem to like them a lot, and adverbs turn on you faster than your heart can beat. They are known to slow down a story and make it sound mechanic. So go an adverb diet, is my suggestion.

"“You don’t have to try so hard, Anni. Honestly, I will love you whether or not you memorize another date for the rest of your life.”"
This line struck me as awkward. What does her mother's love have anything to do with doing well in school? Shouldn't she be glad her daughter is ambitious? Mainly it is he love issue that didn't fit, in my view. Nowhere had Anni said she was studying to gain her mother's love, or anything similar. Perhaps cut it out or give foreshadowing?

"The young girl wandered over to the mirror on her wall and stared at herself."
This is the typical, and should be avoided, way to describe how the main character looks. Is it even necessary for us readers to know she wears a beaded pink tunic? Basically, what I am trying to say, is that if you want to add descriptions of your character, it shouldn't
a) come through looking via a mirror. It's an ancient and hated plot device, or whatever you would call it :p
b) not be so full all at once. it is better if you spread your physical descriptions of your character. Like you did at the start, mentioning her white slippers only. I thought that was well done. When you also then made a mention the chair was white, it made me think she was into pastel colors and judging by your long description of her here, I was right.
See? You don't need long descriptions all at one. Scatter them!

How come the people on the street couldn't hear her? That piqued my interest. How high up could she possible be? is there some sort of super sound proof walls? Lots of traffic? What is it?

Also, that she had company (and was elated over it) caught my interest too. Right now, I am imagining her as some isolated princess at the tallest tower possible, haha ^^;

"“Mother has almost convinced Father that she should be Queen when they’re gone."
Oh wow, was I right? :O

Interesting part about the Queen and this constant fear stuff. I wonder what it is, and what will/might happen. Have to say, though, "the only man inside your head" was way corny :p

Decent start with good mystery! Keep it up!

And again, congrats on 3rd place in the Review Marathon! :3

/Frac

I like the way you introduce this, the small details and quirky mannerisms you endow onto Anni are building up an interesting character. I also like the way you describe things: descriptive enough to paint a picture but minimal enough that you leave the reader enough room to meld the image.

I do have a major bone to pick with your style though: syntax to be specific. Whenever you are describing actions or a set of actions it tends to be just "She (verb) and (verb)." occasionally it is alright but you use this phrasing far too often. It feels, at times, like a list and loses its flow.

Also the idea of her over hearing them in her room seems a bit unlikely and placed. It could be done more subtly. Also the king and queen seem, for rulers, slightly too nice. I, personally, would like to see somewhat more hardened characters, although I might just be misinterpreting the small amount of time they have had.

Finally I'm going to mention an old cliche that many of my peers are fond of: "show don't tell". There are places in this text where you show very well but overall I would prefer a little more subtlety.

Overall good work however, it needs work but it is a promising start. The comments stated above are stylistic suggestions so take them or leave as you see fit-the person who knows best about your story is you.

Hey there! I like to type out my thoughts as I go along...

Hehe, cramming is how I passed tests in school...what is she a rich homeschooled girl...?

She really is bored, doing all that pointless crap.

If i had a sster and I heard her talk shit about me...I'd have slapped the shit out of her.

Oh, I see, she's a princess...I wonder why her parents are so protective? Can't wait to see what happens next.

its a good story, please continue it?!?