Review Game!

(In your summary for the story, you misspelled 'realize.'

And for the title, you might wan't to change it to Screaming, "I Hate You", but the title thing is more of a matter of personal preference... )

1.) Feel better now (that) that you've got that out of your system?" his voice was echoing through the entire house, almost throwing the person in front () back.

You put one too many 'that's, and you might want to say, ..."throwing the person in front backwards," instead of "...the person in front back." It makes it flow a bit better.

2.)"In the house() there were three people standing around in the black living room(;) (an) they didn't care how loud they were."

After "in the house," there should be a comma. There should also be another comma instead of the semicolon, and "an" should be "and."

3.)"In the black room, his bleached hair was easy to see, as he responded to the yelling."

I have an issue with this sentence because you are talking about a lanky brunnette in the begginning, who is also a 'he,' and then you start to talk about another man and refer to him as 'his' and 'he' as well. This makes it kind of confusing, and I wouldn't know who you were talking about except for the "bleached blond hair" differentiation you made.In other words, it wasn't a smooth transition from talking about one male character to the next. So, you might want to rewrite that sentence to say, "A male with bleach blond hair yelled back in response." Just so it establishes the fact that you are just about to introduce him as a seperate character. Or you might just address him by his name.

4.) "Backing away from the blonde's attempt to make peace, "Not what (i) think? Tell me Landon, what do I think?"

I can not stress this enough...capitalize your I's.

5.)"Kail crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes; glaring at the figure standing in front of him, the figure that he'd grown to love so much."

To make this sentence correct, say, "Kail crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes (to glare) at the figure standing in front of him(;) the figure that he'd grown to love so much."

The semicolon is missplaced, so this makes it a bit more grammatically correct.

6.)"Standing a little further behind Landon was a woman with short black hair, wrapped in a sheet. She was confused and afraid to speak up over the screams of Kail(;) who'd only arrived ten minutes earlier."

The way the first sentence is worded, it sounds like the woman's hair is wrapped in a sheet, not her body.

The semicolon should be a comma.

7.)"(Blinking pretentiously), Landon stared at his lover with a loss of words. No real answer could be given to the hopeful and (heart broken) boy."

Why would he 'blink preteniously' if he was trying his best to sooth his lover? It seems a bit paradoxical to how you established his character earlier. And 'heartbroken' should be one word.

8.) "Kail.." Landon’s bleak eyes looked over his shoulder at the woman gripping her white sheet, then back at Kail, "I'm sorry."

When you use the pause (...) in a sentence, it's always three periods. Unless it's at the very end of a sentence, in which case it's (...) in order to add the punctiation at the end.

9.)"Minutes become hours, and hours become day(s). Eventually, all those days add up to months, and months to years. I've wasted almost my whole (life) standing by your side."

Add an 's' to the end of 'day,' and add 'life' after 'whole.'

10.)"Standing there, thinking that I had you all to myself(...)"

Should be four periods, since it's at the end of the sentence.

11.)"And look at how you managed to mess up my whole world(..) congratulations."

Remember, always three conjoined periods per pause.

12.)"Kail(..) this wasn't Landon's fault, it was mine."

Again, three periods instead of two.

13.)"...the woman wrapped in a sheet began to walk (to) the brunette."

I hope she's not wrapped in a sheet; how could she walk? XD It's should be, "the woman clutching the sheet around her naked form," or something along those lines.

And it should be 'toward,'not 'to.'

14.) "His eyes (were) red and bloodshot."

Insert the word 'were.'

15.) "Kail couldn't hold back all his anger and hurt any more(,) he raised his hand and swung at Landon."

The comma should be a semicolon.

16.) "Nothing could ever be the same now, the love of his life was gone.. everything he'd ever known; gone."

It should be "...everything he'd ever known was suddenly gone.

17.)"It was only about three-thirty in the morning(,) and Kail was walking aimlessly around the town until he came to the local park."

Needs a comma.

18.) "...and the pond was illuminating a dark green by the glow of moon."

Should be, "...and the pond was illuminated in a dark green..."

19.)"Just fish(..) you never have any problems(..) just always swirling around in that same pond, doing anything important..."

20.)"Placing his hands on his head(, that) was the only movement that Kail managed out of his weak body."

Get rid of the ", that".

21.) "Liar, just give it to me and there won't be any problems(..)" the man was going to get impatient very quickly(,) for his voice was already at a high tone.

Three periods per pause, and add a comma.

You have more mistakes with the (...) but I'm just going to stop pointing them out...

"What are you doing(?!)"

22.) Turning around, Kail frowned, "I just broke up with my boyfriend(,) check my pockets, I swear I don't have any money."

Use only ONE puctiation mark at the end of each sentence, and the comma should be a semicolon.

23.)"The man's face was covered with a black ski mask, all except for his eyes..."

Should be, "The man's face was completely covered with a ski mask except the exception of his eyes..."

24.)"Now, the(y) narrowed, anger excelled through his eyes,..."

25.)"Kail turned over and opened his mouth, "Don't..." he managed to spit out as he threw his head back, and turned on his side(,) holding his ribs. Looking pa(s)t his was a growing puddle of blood that looked almost black in the dark."

26.)"You.. you you need help!" he screamed as he fired the gun."

To make him seem like he's stuttering, write "You...you-you need help!"

27.)"Kail's voice could be heard as his hands went for his chest and (his) body plowed into the ground; thumping against the hard (concert)."

Add 'his', and it should be 'concrete', not 'concert'.

28.) "...he was running away form the body..."

'From', not 'form.'

29.) "Ugh," was all the man was able to say before his eyes closed and his arms fell to the ground; unconscious."

Wait...a car just 'crashed into' him, and he's only unconscious? He must superhuman if that's true. =O

30.) "Kail?" he questioned, running towards his boyfriend(,) ex-boyfriend."

Comma should be a semicolon, and say something like ...boyfreind; now his ex-boyfreind."

31.) "Landon stroked his rated hair and (whipped) the blood off his face."

I hope he 'wiped' the blood off his face instead of 'whipping' it off. Youch. XD

32.)Three a.m. and nothing in the city wasn’t quiet anymore.

A.M. should be im caps, and you used a double negative in the sentence.

Okay, lots of grammatical mistakes. Don't worry, I can empathize; all you need is a good beta reader. As for the story itself, it seemed very melodramatic. I don't mean to be ** you, but the way to make a good drama is to let the readers become attached to the characters, and to cut out as much melodrama as possible.

I didn't really get a good feel for the characters in the story. I got a good feel for their situation, but not their actual personalities. Making the readers empathize with the characters by making them seem more dynamic is a good way to draw readers into your story.

Also, the way you used the line 'cruel world' is a great example of melodrama. So cut that out.

-Ramen

Amazing and absolutely stunning! You give everything such detail, everything felt real and believable, as if that was really happening somewhere, right now. There are a couple of typos but they don't take much away from the over all reading experience. GOOD JOB!

Man, I love angry stories! And off to the market this reviewgirl goes!

"almost throwing the person in front back" Confuses me. In front of what? Back where? In the house? Where in the house? In front of the house? SO MANY QUESTIONS! Maybe I'm just...special...

second paragraph you've got an 'an' instead of an 'and'. Unless you meant it to be 'an'' in which case...it needs that bit of punctuation. I found this set up of the scene a bit cheesy. However, I reserve judgement until I have read the entire piece. Besides, intro's are easily fixed, and often overlooked. Common problem i'm prone to myself.

Third paragraph...are we referring to everyone by hair color?! Actually...I should do that... what fun it could be to know only the hair color and nothing more about your characters!

It's a little hard to tell who is who in the beginning.

Poor sheet-wrapped woman...what did SHE do? I MUST KNOW!

"in shame of what he had done" is incorrect, i suspect...but i could be wrong. Second oppinion anyone?
I think it should be 'for' instead of 'of'.

"although angry, Kail's voice came out soft; amorous." JO likes this!

"her brown eyes were weld up with tears" isn't correct either. It should be "her brown eyes had welled up" or just " her brown eyes welled up"

Oh he slapped him! Shnap!

I find the idea that most cars are drag racing with each other to be a little silly...either that or this is a much more interesting town. In adition to that, you stated previously that everything was quiet.

Ok, I keep seeing grammatical errors. These are things that happen to me, but I suggest a good beta? A good beta is a life saver.

a pond can't illuminate the color dark green. It can be an illuminating color of dark green, though. I think that's what you're trying to say. Or was it illuminated by the moon?

I hope the geese don't think kail is talking to them...

OHMYGOSH cheeted on and then ROBBED?!
POOR KAIL!

""What's it feel like to be the new ** kid in school?" the man kicked Kail in the ribs as his voice penetrated Kail's ears. Bitter."
Jo wants to hug this sentence. It is a very very nice one.

I'm confused as to whether kail firied the gun or the guy fired the gun...I'm assuming kail, no wait, the guy? ARRG I CAN'T TELL! It's not a logical progression.


Three a.m. and nothing in the city wasn’t quiet anymore. that's a double negative. And besides, it was three thirty, you said earlier.

All in all, I like this idea, but it needs some help. A beta would be a wonderful thing, just to help you smooth out some wrinkles.

Challa!
Jo

Wow, your story made me feel sad at the end. Not that's a bad thing, just felt bad for Kail dying like that. It's too bad this is a oneshot cause I'd love to see more of Kail and Landon's realationship and what is Landon's realationship with the burnette.

This line confused me though "Minutes become hours, and hours become day." Should it be "hours become days" or "hours become a day"?