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| Gollummullog 2008-04-06 ch 1,  | abuseWow. This is shocking and incredible. I have a nitpick, however - L3 should start with 'is', not 'she's'. And at the end of L6, should that be a comma, or did you mean to start a new sentence? I don't know if you meant to break the flow at a few points, but I noticed it at 'does she see what you see' and 'she wants you in her inbox'. I got the feeling that for the latter, you wanted to make a continued reference to the internet, but I didn't feel that it was necessary, especially with the next two lines being as great as they are. As a random reader, I don't know all of your intentions, of course, but a couple images didn't stick well with me: Wasting away: Perhaps a different word choice for 'wasting', so that when you reference her disappearance in L5, it ties it back together? I dunno, maybe 'dwindling'? Circle her wrists: I think you could have done more with this, as bony wrists are definitely not attractive, and many of your images are more vivid. I'll tell you where I live: The sudden switch in POV doesn't seem to do anything here, unless you added quotes or something. You have subtle repetition that is nice to notice (overcome/come on/come, matchstick girl/matching thighs). It creates a really nice continuity that really binds the whole piece together. For such a long review, the poem was excellent. The last two lines really got me. Sheesh. Favourited. -G- |
| Billie.Joelle 2008-04-06 ch 1, | abuseYou are really good at writing about realistic things, but twisting it somehow, yet the reader can still tell exactly what you are trying to say. This one was written particularly well. It flows nicely, and it has the perfect amount of distortion so that the girl talked about really seems "messed up" if you will. Very nice work. ~BJ |
| Stranger in the Night 2008-03-31 ch 1, | abuseI like this one.. there's just something about it, I can't quite place my finger on it. good work ;) |
| kloun doll 2008-03-25 ch 1, | abuseomg, I like this, the rhyme is cool and it's funny in some way. |