... oh god. That was demented. You were right the ending really was a twist... AWESOME!

woah. surpise endings are always fun. but i must say i did suspect something along those lines to happen. i liked the whole, "mother smell better next time." good job

Short and creepy. Love it.

Another fun story from a great author! I'm a horror story fanatic, and this is by far the most interesting idea for a story format I've ever seen...but it worked amazingly! I really enjoyed the gory twist...it made me chuckle a bit. I never knew someone could tell a story in so little words, but you proved me wrong. And I really think it's funny how this story got inspiration. Reminds me of when I got an idea for a story by staring at a bush...yes...quite interesting. Well done, once again!

Awesome story, I think I might try this flash fiction too.

This story seems to be written around the twist at the end, I didn't see it coming and it was well delivered. Also you told a cool horror story without buckets of blood (as I can't help but do). Your writing in this is great and your descriptions add to the story well instead of slowing it down.

I enjoyed reading this, particularly after you said there would be a twist. Keep writing!

Me again. :D

Once again, I love the way you describe things. It's almost cute, sometimes, in the way of the little horror-movie-child who smiles all cute and innocent right before tearing someone's head off. ...Hopefully that made sense. xD

Also, I read your other reviews, and I disagree with the person who told you to add more. I think it was very good for the length you chose. It's not a long story (like, the actual story you are telling seems to take place over a fairly short period of time), so it does not need to be long and drawn out. Sometimes, the shortest pieces are the best, in my opinion.

~RM

Very shocking ending. I liked how it went about.

The theme of the story isn't what your lacking, but rather a bit or prose.

You shouldn't start with a quote. Think of a hook, you should hook your reader not just with the first line, but with the first paragraph--even that can be extended to the first page.

You can start out by describing a setting with an action.

"The dim room cast shadows across the plush guests. Yet mother didn't mind, or even acknowledge the disorginized state of the dim room as the girl poured her a glass of imaginary tea.
'More tea, Mother?" Anna asked.
Mother confirmed the offer with silence, distracted by a few uninvited guests, buzzing about the table."

Foreshadowing and subtlety is a writer's best friend. If you hint at what's going on, the reader may or may not understand what's going on, but the conclusion will make the subtley more powerful. Thus not only is your ending strong, but also the rest of your work. You don't want to be too obvious, which is why subtlety is so difficult to master.

Having the girl show more character traits like singing, or even dancing, asking her mother to dance, holding her mother's hand will add even more intensity to the story as the reader finds out what's actually going on. Describing how odd the hand felt, or how Mother declined the invitation to dance with a head lull.

Also, unless it takes away from later chapters, (from what I gather this is a one-shot), I would add names. Adding names can take away from the repitition, and make it more personal. Instead of "Her mother" over and over again, you could just say "Mother" as a name.

Even more creepy would be an invitation to dance and having mother fall to the floor.

Interesting peice--no doubt. There's a lot you can do with it, be creative and add some detail. Give the reader a sense of the area, the setting, as if the characters aren't just moving about a setting, but actually interacting with it. If you think about it, if you changed the setting, it would have some effect on the story itself.

Imagine having a tea party in a girl's room as opposed to a play ground in a public park, or one even in the back yard. That would raise more question to how the deceased mother became that way.

Good work,
~Laeden

Awesome story! I liked the ending! ^_^ It was a very creepy story, especially the ending.

Great job! ^_^ Inspiration can come from the wierdest of places. Anyway, I loved the twist at the end! I loved it. ^_^

Ah, it amazes me how you are able to make it cute and eerie at the same time. I love how the little girl seems so proper. It makes for a nice contrast. I think you did very well on this piece. Hmm...the only thing I could think of while reading this was that the part about the "tulle petticoat under her dress crinkling under the pressure" was just a bit repetitive. Other than that, wonderful job! ^^

~DeAnna

Woah, disturbing. =O

I had a sense something like that would happen, but the way you described it is just chilling. There's nothing like creepy children to make a scary story even freakier.

Your author's note made me laugh, by the way. =P