|Reviews for Wiring Heartlands|
| theTwilightPen 3/24/08 . chapter 1
Ouch. Very harsh (in some ways), yet unfortunately true. You capture the incredibly unnerving change between "now" and "then" very well and very soon - there is no rambling, and the stanza phrasing, for the most part, does well for itself.
Poetry's hard to truly critique, being that it doesn't have the basic grid of Fiction that has to be followed. Nonetheless, I'll try to give a critique.
To me, your first two-line stanza seems a smidgen abrupt. The flow that you had going previously kinda trips on itself. You might've done this on purpose or on accident, but I think for the sake of flow and to lessen the change in thought, I'd put your two-line stanza first (with a few changes), as to immeadiately clarify what's being swept away. It might seem awkward, but the position of the "swept away" line right now doesn't seem to fit quite right.
Your second two-liner, too, might do better of attached under "renders society cold" instead of having its own stanza, just for the sake of flow.
Otherwise, this was a beautifully done piece. Your nostalgia for the old days (or truth and real friendships) really comes off the page and mkaes the reader feel your sentiment.
And the last two lines, are absolutely perfect where they stand. They sum up everything in our technologically savvy world in a very succinct yet eerie way.
Good job. If the CAP was a writing contest, I hope you did well.