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| Silv3rDr34mS 2008-03-27 ch 1,  | abuseReview Game! The opening of the poem is a little weak, in my opinion, but it gets a little stronger towards the end. Each line is a sentence though, so each line should end with punctuation with the exception of the last two lines. I particularly like the second half of the poem because the response to the things "you" were promised get more original and bitter. This really shows the feelings of this person that the reader knows as "you". I particularly like the part where "you" were promised the world but the closest thing you got from that was a globe. Nice. You need a comma at "And yet(,) I still cry myself". I didn't really like how you broke up "And yet I still cry myself to sleep at night." because of where you break it - the flow is interrupted at the very end of the poem, which I think isn't good. The ending should be solid. To fix this, perhaps try 'And yet(,) I still/Cry myself to sleep at night(.)'? ~silv3rdr34ms |
| Untitled and Unfinished 2008-03-25 ch 1, | abuseVery good, I like the line "You promised me the world/ I still only have a globe" Very striking. For some reason this really hits me! GOOD JOB! |