FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Laeden 2008-03-26 ch 1,  | abuseYOu need to use quotations when you have dialogue. It's too confusing trying to figure out when someone is talking and when they stop talking. Also, you need to work on your punctuation. You have a dozens of misuses of semi-colons. You change your POV in your first paragraph, second sentence, to second person. If you're talking about Chris, then it should stay in that POV, and you shouldn't say "you" or "I" outside of dialogue. You have some repitition as well. Look at your sentences, look at the words you're using within them, and especially what you use to start them. Here's an exercise. Take one paragraph, and write down the first five words of each sentence in that paragraph, then next to the first five words of each sentence, count the words and write down how long that particular sentence was. Now you can see if you repeat the words in the beginning of the sentences, and how variable they are by length. If you have an abundance of short sentences, you'll sound panicked--choppy. If you have too many long sentences, you'll flow, but it'll sound very dull--boring. You want a combination to create a nice flow, and a nice mood. And what is with the trend of saying "flashback" "End flashback"? And there's no semi-colon after "flashback;" If anything, it should be a colon. I consider this to be one of the biggest halts of narration, and pretty much makes me stop reading right there. Don't be lazy, find a better transition into a flashback with your narration instead of just saying... "Flashback!" Hope this helps. |