Reviews for I am the moon - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: I am the moon

Kissing Concrete 2008-04-12 ch 1,	abusedon't have time to review completely on this one, but i LOVE LOVE LOVE the ending, "borrowed sunshine" is an utterly fantastic line.
Esther Jade 2008-04-12 ch 1,	abuseReview game! While I quite like some of the images, to me they didn't feel very unified. Or, at least, they didn't feel like there was a clear connection with the title. The title seems to allude only to the final image. Overall, I found the arrangement good with the choice of stanzas appropriate. The third stanza, though, seemed to run into the fourth. I think perhaps the third stanza should end with a full stop rather than a comma. The punctuation is generally good. There were a couple of run-on lines that seemed like they shouldn't be there. I don't see why the line "and she is the sun" runs into the next, for example. Also, the second-last line feels like it shouldn't run-on into the last. But overall I liked your punctuation. Things I particularly liked were: the repetitive "s" sound in the first stanza, especially as related to the "sticky sweetness" image; the way you turned the "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" image around; and the "moon" image in the final stanza. The last line has quite a poignant note to it. I think you write your poetry quite well but it doesn't feel to me like the poem goes anywhere. It sort of feels like it looks at the same thing from a couple of angles and doesn't come to any sort of conclusion. Also, while some of the images are really nice and interesting, I feel like the raw emotion of the poem doesn't communicate, almost like the poem is an intellectual rather than an emotional exercise. So, while the style and images are good, to me the poem lacks impact (but that could just be me).
Laura Schiller 2008-03-31 ch 1,	abuseWow. That comparison to the solar system actually fits really well. 'He is the earth that nurtures me'...great line. And I totally know how you're feeling because my 'Firework' man is taken too. I wrote another poem about that, it's called 'Fake'. Just in case you might be interested in reading.
Lady Erinia 2008-03-28 ch 1,	abuseExcellent use of metaphor- this really conveys the complex relationship between everybody in this poem. The description and imagery elaborate and give poignancy to your emotional hardship, especially in the last two verses. I found these painful in their vividness... I hope that you find a new Earth.
kelsi bones 2008-03-27 ch 1,	abusethe metaphor in this is amazing. like, completely mind boggling-ly amazing. you did an incredible job on this. hopefully you'll find someone who'll let you be their sun. k.X
Billie.Joelle 2008-03-27 ch 1,	abuseReview Game!: This poem was really good. I really loved the bittersweet quality to it, and I really enjoyed the allegory of the earth, moon and sun. It was very creative and quite interesting to read. I especially loved the lines: "And at night when I do provide the light/It's really just her borrowed sunshine." It was an exceptionally bitter couple of lines, but incredibly beautiful nonetheless. The whole poem flows very nicely, and is very easy to read. It breaks into stanzas at just the right places, and is very well written. The only thing I would say that is a little off, is the lack of punctuation at the end of the lines. I did notice that it is in the middle of the lines a bit, and appears about once or twice per stanza at the end of a line, but the poem would flow even more nicely if more punctuation was added. But other than that, the poem is incredibly well written. Good job. Keep writing! ~BJ

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