   Distilledfx 2008-03-28 . chapter 1Cool story, a different direction than most of the horror that I read here, and it's really cool. I'd had a similar idea to this when I found a dead animal under the sink at my friends house (GROSS!).
Your writing is great, nothing seems to stop the flow of the story at all (but I have been on the booze). Some things though:
"but she turned off thee water as I approached."
Should be "the"
“Show me where it is,” the dishrag was thrown on the counter before she followed me to the room, a slight frown on her face. I paused at the door as I braced myself, before gripping the knob and pulling it open.
Did she go to the kitchen to see her mum? It is confusing a little.
“Mom!” I shouted, panicking. I sensed my neighbor come out of the house, only to hear a shriek and a door slam moments later. My eyes remained locked on the kitchen window, mold pressing against the glass, as it spread like a fire from my house to the two next door.
It could be because I'm a sick bastard, but It would have been better if we got a hint at the fate of her mother, like something as simple as her face being pushed up against the window (cheesy, I know), or what I would have done is have her decapitated head shoot out the window in front of the kid with mold all over it. But thats why all my stories are rated M...
Also at the end, you only briefly mention that she is sad that her mum died or whatever. The passing mention makes me feel like the main character didn't care, so maybe just one more line or so would help.
Good writing, it's awesome to see someone push horror differently. Look forward to reading more Horror from you. |
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