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| M.J. Dawn 2008-03-31 ch 1,  | abuselol I might not have as much to say or critique as 'Midnight in Eden', but I loved it! lol Feel free to check out my stories (I need opinions!) I hope to read more! --Marie Jane |
| Midnight In Eden 2008-03-29 ch 1, | abuseFirst of all, I do like this. It's simple but innovative in its inspired feel which doesn't feel "copied" from Atonement - which I also loved by the way. One suggestion? Word economy. On first reading I could see a number of words that could be easily removed or condensed down to give this a more poetic voice and create punchier images. For example I think these words/phrases could be removed/modified: Stanza one - "when" is superfluous. Stanza two - "and" isn't really necessary and "that spread" might flow better as comma+"spreading". Stanza three - "then" again is superfluous. Stanza four - the firs "and" doesn't quite do much, a comma might work better in terms of flow. Stanza five - instead of "old and weary" pick one more specific adjective to create a more vivid image. Also, the repetition of "tattered" felt a bit bland. It might have been a stylistic thing but it fell flat for me. Stanza six - again, "and" isn't really necessary. Also, those last four lines could easily be two - otherwise it's a fairly choppy flow there. Stanza seven - instead of "fine, glorious" I think a singular more specific adjective would work better. Also the second and third "the" aren't necessary. (Perhaps replace the third with "and"?) Stanza eight - Solid climax. Those are basically my comments. Some condensing would help but otherwise, well done. Midnight |
| randompoetry 2008-03-28 ch 1, | abuseThis was BEAUTIFUL. You use such great vocabulary, it makes me jealous, and the imagery was just amazing. |