FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| perpetual questions 2008-03-31 ch 2,  | abuseI agree with the first reviewer about rhythm and word choice. It feels like there are too many ideas all bunched together, like the words don't have space to breathe. To me, this doesn't even seem like a poem, but more like prose divided into choppy lines. I also feel that the last stanza is out of place, though I'm not sure what you could do to amend this. Perhaps it would be better as a stand alone piece, though you'd have to fix the word choice first. I do agree with most of the message, although not the second stanza. Everyone is *not* "simply ravishing, delightfully beauteous and handsome". You could say that everyone is beautiful in their own way, which would be sappy and cliché, but at least it wouldn't be a tremendous exaggeration. Some people do look better than others; this is just the way it is. Plus, some people, regardless of their physical appearance, are rotten and ugly on the inside. And why is this stanza in the form of a question? I got the feeling that this is what you believe, yet you're asking if it is this way, rhetorically I guess, but I think it's a weak style. |
| NothingMoreNothingLess 2008-03-30 ch 2, | abuseThe message is amazing, and I wholeheartedly agree. Cassandra |
| Xu.xDripdrop 2008-03-28 ch 1, | abuseI can tell that you've been using the thesaurus, abusing it even. It's one thing to have good imagery and descriptions in a poem, it's another to be grouping words together and throwing them at the reader simply because they sound sophisticated and have a nice meaning. I admit the touch with the last stanza is a good idea, but when I am reading it, I can't help but roll my eyes. Words like "grotesque" and "ecstasy" are misused in your sentences. (obvious thesaurus abuse). ex. "In order to form a world of ecstasy" Ecstasy is an intense/frantic state of delight. (hence the drug ecstasy), I definitely don't think that's the word you're looking for. They are nice words to use, but are seriously misplaced. Also, the last stanza is very out of place in this poem, random even. Lastly, this poem has no flow. A poem is supposed to flow, even free-style poems should still have something similar to a beat. Though I do agree to the message you are trying to get across. |