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| Kaggr 2008-03-28 ch 1, | abuseI was starting to think you'd died or something. :) Nice to see something from you again. So I take it the beginning was the article she'd written? It was sort of confusing for a few moments as I realized what was going on. Something to separate the prose from the article would work wonders on the whole confusion scale. "She could only hope that he’d grow out of it, even if he hadn’t." Am I correct in assuming that that was a typo, and it was meant to say that Kristian hadn't grown out of it? There was a lot of capitalization in the beginning, and it's different from your usual writing style. It fit somehow, but I think perhaps you took it a bit to the extreme? I think some places there would have been better italicized or even just left alone. But that's just my opinion, anyway. It's very different from your writing style from before, but it fits. It's easy to read and it lets you get into her mind a bit more. I'm curious to see where this will go! |
| relishthebreath 2008-03-28 ch 1, | abuseI am enjoying this story. You have a sparse, but descriptive style (a very refreshing change from the overwrought, verbose writing I usually see here) that really lends to a sense of realism in the story and to the characters. I like how flawed and down-to-earth Kristian is, as well as Michael (love the Beatles bit, very cute) and the strong theme of honesty that is successfully carried through the chapter. My only contention is the exchange between Rob and Kristian -- his outburst at her seems rather abrupt. I'd like to have a little more insight into his character, but perhaps you'll present that in further chapters. Anyway, keep up the good work! I'll keep reading! |