FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Wrider 2008-04-10 ch 1,  | abuseFirst off, a few little grammatical/typo errors I noticed: "Joe kept whipping" - wiping "she handed him the bear" - beer "anger in her ton" - tone "Tris brook his nose" -broke "you have already meet her too" - met Also, it seemed a little hard to follow at some points. I'm not sure how ...that's probably not much help to you though... Overall, I enjoyed it and think it is working up to a good and interesting story. Am awaiting updates! |
| Cthulhu Is An Awesome God 2008-04-09 ch 1, | abuseI like the concept very much. A modern western about an old fashioned range war fought with fists instead of six-guns, and by some tough-as-nails cowgirl, sounds mighty fine. I think you need a bit more action to start though, instead of just some guy asking who she is. Maybe show Tristan administering a bloody beat down on some rednecks or something. Also, for this kind of story, I think a definite time and place should be stated. Montana, 1993 or something, maybe in a characters dialogue or right at the beginning would cement the setting and make it much better. Well, I'm looking forward to more and I can't wait to see some awe-inspiring beat-downs. |