FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| desudro 2008-03-29 ch 1,  | abuseI like how the whole story is short and sweet. The love found and lost in a short time is a beautiful plotline which, no matter how many times used, is still just as lovely as the last. Also, the use of (these) are undeniably cute at the beginning. However, there are some parts which do stress logic and style (or at least my personal style) 1. The Bio thing. That really needs to be brought up. Its a really awkward thing to suddenly bring up, especially with the mention of sexual reproduction. Is it a clue, a hint perhaps of what the characters have done? This would be the case considering the build up. (First touch, first kiss ...) But the thing is, the whole story lasts a couple of years. (The main character goes from 17-18 for the whole relationship) So how could this have been done several years ago? Maybe I'm just thinking too weirdly. 2. Maybe its part of it being a tableaux, and you want to make the story short, but I personally feel too much is said rather than shown. For example, I only know the man is brilliant and well-mannered because you said so. Perhaps you could have shown it through his actions first (such as through a well-remembered encounter where he displays his extreme chivalry or what not.) and then mention it specifically later. 3. Judging from the shifts in style, it would seem that the ending was concieved before the beginning. The level of detail given to the final lines is dramatic and clear, which highlights it I suppose, but gives the whole story a weird style shift. It's as if the story's only purpose was to serve as a build-up to the final scene, rather than as a proper conclusion. Then again, that's just my opinion. Styles differ. |
| doxology 2008-03-29 ch 1, | abuseWow. This was very powerful. Are you going to continue? I noticed that it wasn't marked complete, but I'm not sure if that means anything. Anyways, a very sad, beautiful love story. Nice job. Peace & Love westnedge ~> park P.S. I have to say, I really did (also) love the parentheses. |