Reviews for Transcendental - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Transcendental - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Angelic Swordsman 2008-07-05 ch 1,	abuseHey thanks for the review eariler and as thank I'm returning the favor. The story is very interest even though I couldn't see much of a plot but I'm sure it an interesting one. The whole flash back into the past of London didn't have to all be in italics though maybe thoughts the character thinks should be italized but not the whole flash back. I suggest using the Insert Horizontal Ruler to seperate the past from the present that way you wouldn't have to italices the whole flash back. Overall it a good story an i probally see a plot if I read future chapters. I'll check in next time to see how it's going. Goodluck and happy writting.
Audy 2008-07-05 ch 1,	abuseHey, I'm Audrey :) Just a little heads up before I review: I apologize beforehand if I sound a little harsh, please don't take it personally, I mean everything in the best possible way. That being said, I also want to make note that as I was glancing through, I noticed some British spellings and slang-- well I'm American, so if anything I've said about Grammar/Spellings &such contradicts what you've been taught -- my bad :P You can ignore it. Though, I /think/ I'm pretty knowledgeable in that area. Also, I review as I write. So the bit where it talks about me not knowing anything about what is happening, that all gets cleared up at the end. Though, I left my comments in my review as they are, just in case it wasn't your intention for it to be like that. So onward... I like the direct exchange between reader and author :) You are rising expectations though, I hope this story is as promising as it sounds :) "..and all (of) its unmistakable grandeur..." for flow's sake "...What new breed of man is he putting forward?.." I like the phrase. Nice :) "... I could feel the prickly heat filling my cheeks and ears, though it was merely of embarrassment, more of fury instead..." What are you trying to say? This is unclear to the point that it seems contradictory. Was it embarrassment or was it fury? More upsetting than embarrassing? Revise. "... Shutting my eyes with a grimace, I need not be a genius to know the deep water(-s I think that is how the phrase goes) that awaited myself (how about: ...deep waters that I've put myself in? Otherwise it just sounds awkward), feeling the warm tears that threatened to fall (the idea is incomplete-feeling the warm tears...what??)" I think, that in trying to achieve a certain style, you're creating all these awkward sentences. While style is nice, clarity should come first. There are many things to consider when you begin the sentence with "shutting my eyes with a grimace" Number 1. You don't shut your eyes by frowning--you shut your eyes with your eyelids--while I know what you meant, that is what you are saying here. Number 2. The following sentence that exceeds it seems out of place. You've created what I like to call, the garden path sentence. For more of that, go here: http://en./wiki/Garden_path_sentence Number 3. You are writing passively. I shut my eyes, grimacing. There is nothing wrong with that. It's clear. It's action. It's strong. "... I can never fathom the stupidity of that pathetic creature, Thornton..." Who is Thornton? That sentence seemed to have come out of the blue. Up until that point though, your writing was pretty. It sounded pretty. It flowed. I still haven't the slightest idea what is going on though. "... an all too familiar voice remarked, as (I) furiously scrambled at the ..." I had to read through that a couple of times to find out what was wrong with it. Simple mistake. "..as if you just tripped me on the streets!..." Not quite sure I like that metaphor very much, though that could just be my personal opinion. But what is it that you are trying to say? That is unclear. "...The only thing I could do was to give a sigh.." How about just revise it to: "...only thing I could do was sigh..." "...as if giving a peace offering..." Giving is weak and overused in this piece. Try 'offering' "...I can't(couldn't) bear to set my eyes on that cold-hearted..." Verb-tense error "...made sure that none of (my) enemies would see me weeping my own tears.." Cross out 'my own tears' so that it reads: none of my enemies would see me weep. Obviously if she is weeping, she's going to be weeping her own tears--and not somebody else's, so that is superfluous. "...Those bloody cretins – death to their kind..." (laughs) "...that came out (of) me was an angry..." "...The git might be even stifling a laugh..." Should read: "the git might even be" instead of "be even" "...However, what I assumed was wrong..." Another garden path. Needs some revising. Suggestion: "...However, I assumed wrong. Surprisingly, his face fell..." "...the direction I was going through was against the wind’s orientation, practically blowing away my soul..." Again -- What are you trying to say? Overall -- Romance-wise, I love it, assuming that the ship is Thornton/Kensy(hope you don't mind the nickname) Jerk-ish, pompous arse and the intelligent, fiery female protagonist. You can't go wrong with that. The idea about the two intertwining stories sound very interesting :) It's a grand concept, but one, that if executed well, can be an amazing story. And it wasn't till the very end that I understood the italicizing. In any case, I like it. The narrative at times is very beautiful and flowy. You've got great lengthy sentences but there are places that you need to patch up, structure-wise. I understand that the style is a bit difficult to achieve--we're talking old-english language here -- for the most part you've pulled it off well. Just try to make your sentences clearer, that's all. At the end there, I got a sense of deja vu, which may or may not have been what you intended, but it's a neat effect in any case. The only thing I would suggest is that when writing Present Day London, try more for modern-style. Or at least, try to differentiate the writing from 1896 and from today. Because they are both in first person, it's a bit confusing to switch into someone else's head. The voices sound the same. It was to the point where I thought we were talking about the same characters until I did a double-take. Anyways, let me know if you have any questions via PM. ~ Audy
Swirk 2008-07-05 ch 1,	abuseWow, really great! Definitely something to add to my alert list. I love how you have intertwined the two stories, yet not time-traveling, as most do. I hate the way people do that sometimes. I suggest though, concerning your language, you might want to change the rating to T, just to be safe. Great job, I look forward to more! ~Swirkster
Sexy vampirechick 2008-05-23 ch 1,	abuseAha! You know French,that's why some of the words that I never heard used in English I realized I could fit them in context,because it's similar to French. By the way it was a nice story.I liked how you made your story one part in the past and the other in the present. It was interesting to see that things hasn't changed much(at least our minds of thinking). I also liked your choice of words.It was nice.Most of the words you used in this story,I've never read or really seen used in the books I read,but I know it's just the synonyms of the daily words I use,so it gave me an insight of how to use them.
Tawny Owl 2008-05-17 ch 1,	abuseI liked the 'voice' you opened the story with. For some reason it seemed to conjure up the way they wrote in the 1800's. It was very dramatic with all the 'I musts' in it. I did find what cam next a little bit confusing though, and found it hard to follow what was going on. I do like the writing style though, so would be interested in finding out what is going on.
Scottish Princess 2008-04-21 ch 1,	abuseWow. Really nice beginning there. I only found a few slight issues: 1-I don't really see how the conversation in the "1896, London" part fits in with everything in the "Later that very same day" part. I mean, they're talking and then she slaps him, for what seems like no reason. I don't know, it just seems a tad confusing to me. 2-""Master Thornton, your mother will be furious!" "I'll be quick, Collins," he replied..." It's not really clear, to me anyway, who this Collins person is. I'm assuming he's some sort of butler or servant, but it's not really made clear. 3-""Need a ride, Thomason?” he asked, attempting a smile, as if giving a peace offering. He was holding a black binder atop his head, to shield him from the rain. He was the last person I wanted to see - I can't bear to set my eyes on that cold-hearted toerag, Avery. What is he doing here in the first place?..." This paragraph slightly confuses me. You start out with past tense and then switch to present tense. Then in the next paragraph you're in past tense again. This section of the story (the "Present Day, London" part), is GOOD, but it could be GREAT if you'd fix the tenses. All in all, I really like this, so far, and I want to know what happens next. Oh, and I LOVE the little intro where you(or the narrator) talk(s) to the reader. Very neat. ~Anna
Lee's ghost re-born 2008-04-16 ch 1,	abuseWow wonderful story! Can't really think of anything that might improve it! Hope you post more. I don't if you saw, but I posted a requst for someone to read my American Civil War novel in the Rated M part of your forum. I'd be honored if you'd take a look at it.
Kinderwhore 2008-04-11 ch 1,	abuseYou haven't included much information about the story/characters in this prologue (at least, it feels like a prologue), which can either alienate or intrigue a reader. Personally, I'm of the alienated camp; I know you're trying to intrigue potential readers with a mysterious sort of beginning, but right now I'm just confused. I think I need a little bit more detail - perhaps another clue to how the two stories link (besides the fact they're both set in Cambridge) - to want to read on. I also noticed that you've missed a couple of words here and there; "as (I) furiously scrambled", "none of (my) enemies", etc. On the upside, I quite liked the "introductory" prose you have at the beginning; that really sets the tone for the story, and the mention of the burgundy stain does make me want to read on.
Lachrymosa 2008-04-01 ch 1,	abuseThis is Maybelle from the review game: Intriguing plot! I'm interested in knowing what will happen to these four characters. As well you have chosen a good plot that, I believe, is perfect for exploring: what is love? how universal is it? how can it endure? Perhaps you can tie the romance aspect with immortality as well... anyhow that's just me. I liked your opening sentence. It establishes the narrator very well, giving the reader a more distinct relationship to the story. Someone pointed out your overuse of semi-colons. I don't think it's such an awful thing, but it can be quite jarring - especially when you're aiming for sophisticated, poetical prose. I think you should save them up for the most important sentences, the ones where you want to give greater impact. As you said, this is a preview of a story, not the actual story itself. I look forward to looking at the real story. I especially like the parallel love/hate relationships - I'm starting to see promise between Miss Kensington and Thornton.
Distilledfx 2008-04-01 ch 1,	abuseReview game :D Wow, I've never read a story in this genre, and you've made a first impression. Some notes I took while reading it: "It is a story that binds and intertwines; it is a story seeking victory, even in another time." could have been said better maybe. It is a little unclear. "It can't understand you, you know, putting aside that storytellers may have said otherwise," This is a little confusing I really enjoyed reading this, which is strange because all I write is morbid horror stories. I will even go so far as to say you ended this too soon, I wasn't done reading yet!! The writing, while tiring in the section with italics (does this really have to be all italics), was great in the second section, which I hope most of the story will take place in. The language of the first part wasn't hard to read at all despite the style, which is something rare on this site, so kudos for that. Also your descriptions weave in the story so well that you don't even notice them, which is something I always try myself. Great read, and keep it rolling!
Asherah Seirei 2008-04-01 ch 1,	abuseHmm--overall it seems an interesting concept with an interesting introduction; however, in the first scene that takes place in 1896 I was severely confused. I was confused as to the exact setting. I couldn't imagine the characters anywhere because I didn't know if they were in a room, or on a boat, etc. I do think you did a wonderful job with the old English grammar and such--it sounds v. authentic. ^^ I like how the italics show the distinction between the time periods, btw. I also like the strong wills of both narrating characters. Woot! ^^
Audie Scott 2008-03-31 ch 1,	abuseThank you for your review on "A Liar's Truth", by the way. This is a generally well written story, and I really liked this line; "yet all that came out me was an angry, repressed sigh – a pathetic excuse for a scream at all". I was just wondering, the whole while I was reading the "Past" part of this preview, who is your intended audience? The phrases often seem a little... uncertain. And another thing; more of a tip, really. It would be clearer if you had changed the "Present Day" part into non-itallics, but kept the past in itallics, that way there would be a clearer distinction between these different times. Audie
Otseis Ragnarok 2008-03-31 ch 1,	abuseOnar-> RG[Depth] Why is this in all italics? That seems a bit unnecessary. I mean, I understand maybe putting the past stuff in italics, but why the present-day stuff, as well? And that 1896 stuff, what was with the characterizations of these animals? I think theowl was a real owl, but what about the pig? I'm not too sure what that was about... This was really well written, though. It seems quite intellegent, if not perhaps a bit over my head... Or maybe I was right, and you need to work on clarity. Either way, I'm not really sure how to respond, except for this: Give up on italics!
KimHua 2008-03-31 ch 1,	abuseAn intriguing, if somewhat confusing, start. :-) The sudden move to "present day" is too jarring; the situations are so similar (intentionally, I assume) that if the reader hasn't gathered it's some kind of time-travel story it is likely to throw them off-balance. You perhaps want to have very different occurrences in each time-period at first, so that the reader gets used to the jumps, and then bring the story threads together a little later. shrugs Or something like that. :-) There's a lot of description, which helps to paint a picture in the reader's mind. However, sometimes I found that the general flow of the narrative was stifled by too much, or perhaps simply too "flowery", description. For example, the "irksome pecking" tells the reader that the barn owl is annoying without requiring an additional "annoying" in front of "barn owl".
dupduplove 2008-03-31 ch 1, anon.	abuseJust get on with it. I want to know what happens. Love the description and the mystery draws more readers so good job.

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