FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| fairytale failure 2008-03-31 ch 1,  | abuseInteresting idea - people always say that being in love feels like fireworks, but forget how quickly fireworks go away. I love your word choice in a lot of places, especially 'and miracles bounce off my tongue' but I think this piece could be improved by changing the formatting. More punctuation would help the reader know when to pause; longer lines (i.e. combine 'you turn your head to listen to my stories', 'and I'm dizzy, loopy, intoxicated by you') would help it to flow better, and if you seperate it into stanzas, it would give the reader a chance to breathe in between thoughts. |
| SpellSingerMLAM 2008-03-31 ch 1, | abuseVery good! I love the wording, it was great. ^^ |