Reviews for Royal Relationship

simpleplan13
2008-04-04
ch 1,

abuse-His eyes are exploring my body,/Like man explores the land,.. I wouldn't use explore twice
-Looking for new things he has never discovered... new things havent been discovered yet that's just implied which makes this a bit wordy. Maybe Looking for undiscovered things? Plus things is so vague... is he looking for treasures maybe?
-I want our love to be stronger than the bricks that hold up our castle,... holding up is a bit less wordy
-I want our love to be more beautiful than the silk dress which I wear...you dont need the which
-I want us to be just another happily ever after,... Love that line
-In at least one way shape or form... comma after way
-It is slowly poisoning us, darling... not a big fan of using poisoned again. Maybe murdering?
-I love the dust and summer wind thing.
-I loved the fairytale imagery until the second to last stanza... the frog just sounded silly in contrast to disintegrated, plus he's a knight... frogs are princes
-The ending I liked except the first line... why are you leaving the kingdom? That just didn't seem to make sense.

Anyhow I like the repetition and I think you have some really great descriptions in there, but some of it was a bit off to me as you can see... lol. I really like the title, though and hte piece is pretty good.

EugeneSapphire
2008-03-31
ch 1,

abusewow. it started out so perfect...good poem. Its original. I like it. Good work. :)

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