I felt like things were a little too disjointed, that the whole thing was almost... skeletal, frame-like. Everything needs to be fleshed out more, with much more detail; I felt like there are novels and novels behind these characters, places, and situations, but we, the readers, are only allowed keyhole glimpses into what's going on here. Other than those points, you have good storytelling ability, pretty decent characterization, and a compelling storyline. Write more like this.

I hope I can get my things together and write like you someday. I have such a hard time sticking to things and finishing projects. Maybe if I wasn't such a perfectionist :P