Venus as a tragic heroine. Very interesting. Kind of difficult to understand, but it all comes together in the end. Good job.

marie

the excellent word choice makes the imagery come to life.
i love the way you wrote the last stanza, one word per line. it finishes the poem with such sorrow and desperation. great work.

Your choice of words really draw me into the poem. The way Venus is described in the first stanza is just gorgeous and original; I like the way "radiates acrylic orange" sounds when said out loud. I haven't read a short poem like this so rich with breathtaking imagery in a long time. I look forward to reading more from you, take care.

Oh, and thanks for the review you sent me.

Wow, what a gorgeous piece. I love your writing style; it reminds me of Charlotte Martin, for some reason. Just really intense and beautiful. I love the line about "fractured necks of swans." That is just aching. I can't believe I haven't read you before. This type of poetry I love, and I usually am clued into the best people on fictionpress. Silly me. Well, I've found you now. Keep writing! :)

this is really good
but i don't appreciate you calling me a w.h.o.r.e
:P
kidding

I really like your word choices and how the lines go short-long-short. I thought that was really cool.

-stix-

i've always admired those who can write shape poems successfully. you're no exception. i like the vague rhyming in the first two (three?) verses, and the phrase "radiates acrylic orange twilight" is beautifully descriptive and reminds me of flourescent lights.

in the last two verses, the decrease of words in each line is especially appropriate, comparative to the mood of the poem.

i think this is your best work of all the ones i've read so far.

I really like how you formatted this poem. Very expressive. The vocabulary used at different points is also fitting.

I assume you're trying to convey the physicality of Venus by making this a shape poem? If not, then I'd recommend reworking your line breaks.

For example, when I read this the first time, the first stanza was only four lines i.e.
Venus glows white
in an evening sky,
radiates acrylic orange
twilight and illuminates the night.

Also, grammatically "radiates" and "illuminates" should be "radiating" and "illuminating" due to the sentence construction.

Stanza two works well though with even pacing and solid imagery. My only nitpick is "again is" which I feel would read smoother as "is again".

The third stanza is my favourite but "she" should be capitalised.

The fourth stanza has me iffy about line breaks again. The "on a" at the end of the first line is an awkward place to break the phrase and I think they'd be more suited with the following phrase. Ditto for "for" and the break between "tired/dawn" just jarred the whole flow of this piece for me.

I do like the ending though for the staggered way in which it's presented. Overall, this is a solid and interesting poem. It's got enough movement and imagery to keep me interested but it's the presentation that I feel needs work.

Midnight

Whoa, I loved the unique and vivid imagery in this.
'A **, she uncoils and succumbs undivine' this line in particular was brutally powerful.
And (this might sound weird if you didn't intend it) I really liked the shape of this poem. Anyways, keep up the good work!

-Silence

Fantastic! Really nicely written. The choice of images like the fractured necks and the uncoiling ** were surprising and quite blunt, but that's no bad thing. It took me places where I didn't expect to go.
The only thing I'll point out is how the poem sounds. Going through, I noticed a rhythm going on with rhyming and half rhyme (nights, tide undivine, winds, crimes) and then at the end with the last segment it stops. It didn't ruin anything, it was just a little unexpected for the rhythm to end. Of course, that could be the way you intended it to be, and saying that, it does add a bit of a wake up impact.

So all in all, good stuff! And nice shape with the layout! I don't know what it is or if it's meant to be something, but that doesn't matter!