|Reviews for Learning to See|
| Carol 1/7/13 . chapter 3
Write more good god
| TasteTheFreakingRainbow 5/10/12 . chapter 3
| Jen Crocker 9/7/11 . chapter 3
Great job! I love Phantom of the Opera. And Don't Stand sSo Close To Me. :D Ha ha.
| Tivaau 8/28/11 . chapter 3
This was great - I really enjoyed it!
| backtodecember 7/8/11 . chapter 3
That was good! I chuckled at the song you inserted in. ;)
| backtodecember 7/8/11 . chapter 2
You began well. I like the slight descriptions, but mostly leaving it open for interpretation, or for later descriptions.
She's cute - so excited to be working with her hero. I can't wait to read more... Onward!
| beverlyamethyst16 5/24/11 . chapter 3
| semperfid3lis 5/11/10 . chapter 3
good start on the story
please update soon
| EscapingEarth 3/4/09 . chapter 3
I love that song so much XD
| Fidelity394 6/17/08 . chapter 3
this is very good... please update soon...
| CaveDwellers 4/24/08 . chapter 3
Hey, I'm glad you had a good hand day-and the appreciation is touching.
Ha! Bourbon, cheeseburgers, and black coffee-what more do you need to live, I ask you? Yeah, that made me laugh.
And wow. Greg and Dorinne-cute, but incredibly immature. I think I thought that at the tongue-sticking part. The rest is pretty characteristic of people with good marriages. Unless it was intentional (and I'm not ruling out that possibility) to make it a little more adult-silliness
Laurel's eccentricities were a bit surprising, to say the least. Another wow moment. Grant, I don't know her very well right now, but I think running the risk of breaking an ankle is a bit too much for anybody, especially after years of separation from a teacher you got close to. She'd still want to rush, she'd still be simultaneously excited and nervous, she'd probably even be experiencing something similar to stage fright, but she wouldn't be jogging.
However, it was still a wonderfully cute chapter. The dialogue flows, you have the necessities (that is to say, limitations and things like a visitor's log in the office that the girls have to sign before going anywhere-little things like that that I notice some author's leaving out more often than not). Laurel's thoughts as she walked to the classroom were very nice, and I liked how she found it within herself to make fun of herself with a song like that. It shows personality and leniency. She's more normal and real for traits like that.
And it's nice that Greg's specific feelings are rather ambiguous-Laurel's too, for that matter. It gives some suspense that readers like. It further draws them in and serves to keep them there.
And here's looking forward to you getting better soon. :)
| ginalmarie 4/24/08 . chapter 3
i like it a lot!
| CaveDwellers 4/4/08 . chapter 2
First, to get them out of the way, the edits:
"“…you’re held to a higher standard..."
You're should be capitalized.
"“…and so, the way it’ll work..."
Same with and.
"...as she remembered him: Nose crooked..."
Nose technically shouldn't be capitalized. I think I spotted something similar in the first chapter, but I could be wrong.
"The rest simply wanted an easy “A,”"
The A doesn't need the ""'s. The reader knows what you're talking about, and it's not really quoting anything, so it's not proper technically speaker, either.
"...but it was largely a bore..."
Awkward sentence. It doesn't flow much. Perhaps had a little too much effort was put into it-unless Laurel is known for those sorts of strangely constructed sentences.
"They were just such a pain-in-the-ass."
Pain in the ass doesn't need the - accenting it. It's a common expression, and it's not like iron-grey, where it would be used to connect the two words because the iron is indicating what shade the grey is in. The dash almost turns something like iron-grey into one word, and pain in the ass doesn't fall under that category because it's an expression.
"He clicked “Reply.”"
This is the same as the easy A thing. In this case, the readers already know, so reply doesn't really need to be accented. And it really helps with the flow of a piece to cut back on unnecessary quotations like that.
But besides all of that-nit picky stuff, if you really think about it-this is a good chapter. Required and done in a relatively engaging way, but not as exciting as the first. It's not something you could help. The plot needs to be moved forward somehow.
I really like Laurel's indecision about Greg J. It's a wonderful, realistic touch, and they both seem like likable, normal people, too, which isn't as typical as one would think on FP. So far, the relationship and their thoughts of each other are done realistically, so I don't really have much to comment on in that respect (though the next few chapters will be the true indicators, I think).
And all in all, I really like this. Can't wait for the next chapter. D
| CaveDwellers 4/4/08 . chapter 1
Hey there. Generating the promised review here.
First things first, I recommend you edit your summary. Having read this first chapter, I think I understand what you're talking about, but you're trying to make people want to read your story, not make a commercial out of it or talk to your friends about it, when you're a little insecure, vague and awkward. Insert a curiosity piquing line, something that either makes the reader go "wait. What? I wanna find out" (humorous or no, it makes no difference) or "Hm. That sounds like a great concept. I'd love to find out how this author is going to represent it." Like these lines:
"In her eighth grade yearbook, before she left for high school, he wrote: “You are an extraordinary young woman. Carpe diem.”
And her heart soared as she thought: “Am I really extraordinary to anyone? To him?”
His name was Greg Jones. To her, he was everything."
Anything from these would make spectacular summaries.
Is what I'm saying even making sense?
There's a definite art to creating summaries, and yeah, it sucks that you're given such a small amount of characters to work with when you're creating your story, and the first few stories are the absolute hardest to create summaries for, but you get the hang of it eventually. I could even help you if you want, but right now your summary's not so great, and you're not going to get much publicity/reviews/hits from it.
"To him, she was “Laurie.”"
In this case, Laurie doesn't have to be quoted. Unless he's hesitant to actually call her that, in which case it's fine. For this particular sentence, the "" around Laurie makes it seem distant, reluctant and somewhat impersonal. And if I'm right, then that's not what you were going for.
Other than that, a compelling voice and overall first chapter. I would look at the way your paragraphs are, though. It looks sloppy and inconsistent right now. Upon first glance, the reader thinks they're seeing two gigantic paragraphs that they'd much rather not read. This isn't the case, I know, but that's what they think right off the bat because of other authors out there. A trick I've learned is whenever I make a new paragraph, I press enter twice. I recommend you give it a try and see how it works for you.
The psychology of it so far is very good, but in case you aren't already aware, I'd like to say that you should be careful with the opposite personality bit. They probably aren't as different as you think. Laurel's probably more outgoing around her friends and family, and he's probably a little more somber around his wife and children.
I could elaborate if you'd like, but as of right now, I don't know if I'm telling you something you're already perfectly aware of yet, so I'll stop at that.
And as a final note, I'm really excited to read the next chapter.