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| simpleplan13 2008-04-04 ch 1,  | abuseAnd he was in the prime of his life…... you end the last line with a semicolon, so the next part needs to be a sentence, which means you shouldn't start with and or jut get rid of the semicolon I like this... the last line is especially powerful and true about people coping with the death of a loved one. I also like the word choice smacked... nice piece |
| electric feel 2008-04-02 ch 1, | abuseinteresting |
| Shadows in the Fire 2008-04-02 ch 1, | abuseYou're line-breaks are perfect! But to make this poem better I think you should work on the line "I weep/as I'm smaked in the face with..." because there's something about 'smacked in the face' that seems to comical for a poem about death. Also, throughout the entire poem it seemed as if you were upset because "he" was dead, yet the last stanza changes the meaning to be something more about how you feel guilty for being alive while "he" is dead. This is never implied in the first two stanzas; to make the poem stronger, pick one of the feelings and keep it through the entire poem. -Shadow |