Reviews for Aura - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Aura

Megami Chibi 2008-05-31 ch 3,	abusewell, I finally got internet so that I could read the whole thing, and I must say I'm wanting more! I always end up transfixed to the end when you write Kris. Miss you.
wolfeh 2008-05-17 ch 3,	abuseHeh, great chapter, I'm loving the character development. You really do have a great story on the go here! I'm beginning to see a little more deeply into each of the characters, you're doing it at a perfect pace! Really can't wait to read more! Absolutely loving it so far! Update soon! :) ~ Wolfeh (3.12 in the pm)
wolfeh 2008-05-17 ch 2,	abuseAnother great chapter, you defo know how to keep the readers hooked! I absolutely love the way it ended, it just finished the chapter beautifully. Want to read more, so I shall do! :D ~ Wolfeh (2.40 in the pm)
wolfeh 2008-05-17 ch 1,	abuseI have to say - brilliant. I LOVED the writing style and the way you introduced the charries! Lucky for me, there's already mroe chappies to read, so I'll get onto reading those. As for a beginning chapter - you have me hooked. Loving Aura's character. Top writing! ~ Wolfeh (1.57 in the am)
Kenny's Friend 2008-04-06 ch 3,	abuse"...he kept going until he had walked off the irritation caused by Carlotta..." - this sentence bothers me. "Jones was not led by his brain." - again, just awkward wording. "Was it worth giving up love for?" - sentence is poorly constructed: prepositions should never be left hanging as sentence endings. Very few errors in this chapter, and the length was perfect again. I'm not certain where the story is headed, but it's a good read. Keep it up "Ken" ~ Justin
Kenny's Friend 2008-04-05 ch 2,	abuse"...sat on the porch step in the sun, looking around him lazily..." - looking around lazily; omit "him" "This was the closest to motherly advice Naime had ever given her..." - this was the closest thing to motherly advice By the way, exactly what time period is this taking place in? You make mention of how inappropriate it is for a grown woman to run, she's wearing a dress, and they have black servants. I'm guessing pre-Civil War era? Just curious. "...Aura's first reaction was to bolt to JuJu and shield JuJu with her body." - this sentence is incredibly awkward. "She realized, after another wave of pain washed over her, that he had to remove her corset in order to treat her wound, and that she was on the table for just that reason." - this sentence, in context with the rest, is unnecessary - overkill. "Dukey, don't you want to eat" - the nickname annoys me in an immature way. I've noticed that a lot of your romances revolve around beautiful women who don't consider themselves attractive, falling in love with rugged muscular men. I guess that's the romantic trend, eh? Good work, sis Justin ~ "Ken"
Kenny's Friend 2008-04-05 ch 1,	abuse"Naime should not have been out of her bed, but she was livid at her daughter's refusal to marry one of the most eligible bachelors in the town." - I'd cut out everything after "out of bed", because it becomes apparent later on in the dialogue exactly why she's so angry. "Her journey through the large, opulent house was swift; she did not notice she was followed by a tiny black girl until she pushed open the outside door and breathed deeply of the free air." - okay, good sentence. Then the action is interrupted by: "The day was crisp, the sky blue but spotted with grey clouds, the sun bright but cold." And then we meet JuJu. Put that second sentence further down (perhaps during the walk) so that it doesn't feel so out-of-place. "A wooden table sat in the middle of the kitchen; JuJu and Aura had rubbed it until it shone, but its legs were weak and wobbly, belying its age." - belying means the absolute opposite thing (to prove false); "revealing" would be a better word, unless you reworked the sentence to describe the clean tabletop as "belying" its age. The repetition of the verb "sauntered" irritates me: Some more variety would be nice. Also, JuJu's diction switches from uneducated to near flawless too drastically. Just some things to think about. Moving on. "I wish I were you." She whispered loudly, confidential but obvious." - should read "I wish I were you," she whispered. Also, what do you mean by "obvious"? "Aura nodded and laughed humorlessly. "So do I, Diana, so do I."" - this statement doesn't make sense to me; she's answering the previous comment. She wishes she was herself? "the huge feather bed that sank under her emaciated weight" - emaciated is the wrong word - it means "To lose flesh gradually and become very lean"; did you mean "bloated"? The chapter was a good length - nice dialogue and action to keep me interested. Another thing you might want to take note of: you have a tendency to state the characters' emotions when it's already obvious how they feel. Good work as always, lady. I'll read the next chapters soon. "Ken" ~ Justin
Aimers 2008-04-03 ch 1,	abuseBrilliant! I'm glad that you finally got this chapter out; I kept on getting emails from Fictionpress saying you posted this chapter, but somehow the story id was always "not found" or something. This is a good start. Eagerly awaiting more! :D

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