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| Lurid Black 2008-04-22 ch 1, anon. | abuseAhh, this is Great! I love it... so dark, and desolate, takes an optimistic person to write this, great work! |
| Moon's Poetess 2008-04-04 ch 1,  | abuseOoh you have wonderful metaphors. Like these especially: Speaking wordlessly, Screaming soundlessly And: Like seawater Through the hands of a child. My only problem is that all the lines describing the darkness and oblivion become rather overwhelmin and each lines loses in meaning... to me, at least. There are so many they seem to fade into each other. Similar to a rant. Otherwise I think this be an awesome poem ^^ Moon's Poetess |
| Midnight In Eden 2008-04-03 ch 1, | abuseThe first thing I thought when I read this poem was how much you could easily condense out of the piece. I think that you overstate your imagery quite a bit and it's not more obvious than in the first two lines. "fading", to me, isn't necessay at all. Simply "My mind is slipping away in oblivion" would work better. Also, those first four lines should be one sentence. Then "numbness,/An overwhelming emptiness.", "the gloom,/An appendage of the darkness." and "Speaking wordlessly,/Screaming soundlessly,/Calling for my mind,/Fading into the dark."are again restating the same or similar descriptions. To be honest, about halfway through this I really had to force myself to read through some of it because the constant telling really bogs this poem down. I'd recommend a strict edit where you show us more and keep it a little simpler. Good luck, Midnight |