FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Aki to Tarou 2008-04-04 ch 1,  | abuseI remember that poem you wrote where you referred to your sister's incident. It seems she has matured quite a bit from that experience! She expresses a very calm and accepting view on death which for most people is a very frightening thing. Personally, I am not sure what I feel about death- I just feel... uncertain. Nice use of metaphors and imagery. "A path, leading through the woods. I breathed deeply and inhaled the very essence of the forest: the scent of leaves and the clean smell of earth beneath my bare feet. I glanced up as I felt my feet moving on the trail of their own accord and the sight of the night sky took my breath away." Is that what she really saw during those three minutes? Okay, now for some constructive criticism... which I suck at. "The color of the world fades from your sight and you feel, calm." I'm not sure if this is just a style of writing but the use of the comma seems awkward. I think what is implied is hesitation with the word calm? In that case ellipses 'can' be used. Normally, ellipses are frowned upon in a proper essay. SO, if it's simply a statement, omit the comma. As a free written essay, everything else was good. It has a very nice poetic feel to it. I find it kind of funny how you get other people to write on your account Rob lol. You should tell your sister to get her own cuz she has a very nice writing style. You should also encourage her to develop it! So good job to your sister! She is a brave gal ^^. ~Sei. |