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| Zapto369 -2- 2008-05-13 ch 8,  | abuseVal is a cool name. |
| Emilyne Willowar 2008-05-08 ch 7, | abuseI like how you're pulling in politics from the outside - lest we forget that these characters are also players in a wider world. My comment from before about the punctuation still stands, though it was still another great chapter. |
| Emilyne Willowar 2008-05-08 ch 6, | abusePunctuation at the end of sentences, even inside quotes, is a very, very good thing. Please? "...a pendant to ward off evil, and a" And then you never finished the sentence. Ooh, I wasn't expecting Robert to be so rude there at the end. Nice touch. =) |
| Zapto369 -2- 2008-05-01 ch 7, | abuseWhatever that is worth? What does that mean? |
| Zapto369 -2- 2008-05-01 ch 6, | abuseMufufu, the plot thickens. Very well done! |
| ShakespeareFan 2008-04-29 ch 5, anon. | abuseOh! This one is cool- I'll be keeping an eye on it. Robert and Merle are funny charectors. Very very well written, and beautiful language! update soon |
| Zapto369 -2- 2008-04-29 ch 5, | abuseShe's got a knife! |
| Emilyne Willowar 2008-04-28 ch 5, | abuseYou might want to go back over this, because there were a lot of quotations lacking punctuation. I did like the bit where Merle and Robert were speaking in metaphors, though. |
| Emilyne Willowar 2008-04-28 ch 4, | abuse-"Far above those mortal men, the lady of the home descended the stair." I wasn't sure if you meant to repeat this sentence or not, but I thought I'd point it out just in case. Hmm. Not sure I'm going to like Claudia very much. I like Merle so far, but it still might be too soon to tell. |
| Emilyne Willowar 2008-04-27 ch 2, | abuse-In the first paragraph, you used Fate a lot. Is there any way you could try to mix things up a little, maybe by using a couple more pronouns in its place? -"...through time and time eternal." This seems a little redundant. -"Even those who pretend to believe, keep a separate doctrine at home. The doctrine of worship of fame, adoration of wealth, prayer for fortune, and love only of the humble being that aspires to these ideals." I like this a lot. Too bad it's true, hmm? -"and when the body is idle..." Capitalize "and". -"For he was not but another noble, but the younger son of the king, Prince Anthony..." Wait, so is the king Prince Anthony, or is that this man's name? -Watch its/it's. Its is possessive, it's is not. -I love your writing style. Have you ever read Vanity Fair? (The book, not the magazine.) The style here reminds me of that. It flows really well, and it feels like the narrator is having a conversation with the reader. You don't really see too much of that these days. ;) |
| Emilyne Willowar 2008-04-26 ch 1, | abuseI liked this and couldn't find much anything that was really wrong with it (except you spelled "prologue" wrong. ;)) You did a great job reeling the reading in, which is what a prologue is supposed to do. I look forward to reading more! |
| Zapto369 2008-04-23 ch 3, anon. | abuseValerius, his attitude reminds me of someone. I rather like these characters! |
| Zapto369 2008-04-23 ch 2, anon. | abuseVery deep and quite creepy. I like it. |
| Zapto369 2008-04-23 ch 1, anon. | abuseSounds interesting, mufufu. Can't wait for the main story. |
| Pocket Elf 2008-04-07 ch 1, | abuseI that is a wonderful start to a stoy, but you need to add more! I really enjoyed when you said, "But what is darkness, but the absence of light?" I love it. Keep writing! -Bloodbabe- |