|Reviews for Etherena Beta|
| FlamingFlie 4/26/08 . chapter 4
Names and stuff for characters? If you still need some Idea's PM me... as for the chapter, it was suprising, and two guns is completely macho... I wish I could properly wield two guns... ahh, no matter.
| FlamingFlie 4/26/08 . chapter 3
It's the end of the world as we know it! Sorry... Listening to music... I love the name Ethan, always been a favorite of mine...
| FlamingFlie 4/26/08 . chapter 2
It's very fast moving (maybe a little too in some parts) but overall, it's good. I'd review longer, but I must see what happened.
| FlamingFlie 4/26/08 . chapter 1
God, it looks like it's hard to get reviews here... So I'm going to stick with an age old philosophy... you do something for me, and I do something for you... in other words, I'm reviewing your story in vain hope that you'll review mine.
I like your character's outfit... Purple pants are always in stlyle, and your writing style is pretty good... now for me to read on.
| The Wandering Musician 4/17/08 . chapter 5
The plot here is very fast-paced, which is good for keeping the reader's attention. You need to focus on showing who the characters are rather than just stating it. This technique makes the story more realistic and interesting. The scene with the car being split in half really bothered me because you just stated what happened and added dialogue. Don't you think the brothers would be confused? They wouldn't know right away that the car had been split perfectly in half or that the driver was killed instantly.
When it comes to more characters, it really depends on how you want the plot to go. You could do something where half of the story was flashbacks to times with their parents and the other half is their current adventure. This would allow you to elaborate on their past without coming out and saying anything right away.
Since you seem to like characters who have very distinct roles, you could have a sort of guide or mentor to help them. Then you could use this character to explain things that the reader does not yet know.
Good luck with the story! It will be interesting to see what happens next.
| Darket 4/15/08 . chapter 4
TIts man, I'm adding it. It's got really short chapters but it's too the point. Good luck
| V3n7u5 4/9/08 . chapter 3
Not bad. Not bad at all. I really can't advise more than has already been said. Proofreading your work is paramount to a great story, and in your case there isn't even that much that would need changing. I would like to see longer chapters, but I know how hard it is to judge when one is supposed to end. All in all a much better story so far than I've read on the internet in a good while. Keep up the good work.
| Imalefty 4/7/08 . chapter 1
review game! :)
the story definitely has a "manga"-like feel... :)
i like the name of the school... "the surreal school for the exceptionally gifted." eheheh... sounds like an interesting school. :)
you obviously have very vivid images of the characters and a good idea of their personalities, and that's a great thing. however, i don't think you need to state every piece of clothing they're wearing, and you don't need to devote a whole paragraph to their personality types and hair color and such. instead, try to weave the information into the plot - get the characters' personalities across through their actions instead of just telling us.
there are a few typos, and some of the dialogue is hard to follow... sometimes i'm not exactly sure who's talking. i would suggest getting a beta reader to clear up these minor errors... someone who would read your first draft before you post it.
the chapter is a bit short... perhaps try expanding just a little? (i know i write short chapters, too, but i'm trying to make them a little longer... so that my readers get more satisfaction with every update)
also, i would suggest not updating more than once a day... just so that your readers can have time to read a chapter before jumping into the next. (personally, i update once a week... every friday. XD)
good luck! :)
| KimHua 4/7/08 . chapter 1
I'm not really into manga, so I'm afraid I can't give you any "manga-specific" feedback. However, I will give you a couple of general pointers... :-)
You've given the reader enough to wonder what "talents" the brothers have, which is good. Suspense is always an effective way to make the reader want to read more. :-)
In terms of writing, you would do better to "show" more and not "tell" so much, particularly in the descriptions of the boys. Rather than merely telling the reader "Ethan's the angry type", show the reader that Ethan has a temper by what he does/says, how he reacts to the other characters in the story. The same is true of the physical descriptions - perhaps have them described from the point of view of another character, rather than by the narrator. It gives the reader a better connection to the story, as they are now seeing the character being described through the eyes of another character.
Hope that helps. :-)