Reviews for The Brass Dragon - FictionPress.com

sckry
2008-04-09
ch 1,

abuseOk, please don't be offended, but I feel the need to offer some general advice about this.

This actually started out rather interesting, but I just got completely lost with all the single sentanced paragraphs. There were a lot of instances where you created a new paraghraph when you simply didn't need to.

eg. 'As Ms. Ha Verde was about to speak, the bell rang.

Ms. Ha Verde cursed the bell inwardly.'

It should simply have been:

'As Ms. Ha Verde was about to speak, the bell rang. She cursed at it inwardly.'

Pick up a novel and see how a page is structured for a more visual example.

My second point is description. Describe the setting, don't assume that the reader knows it. Tell us what Mary see's (lockers stretching down a monotonous hall), hears(chatter of gossiping school girls), smells(pungent odor of sweaty boys). Be creative too, it will be far more interesting for the reader then.

And the last point I will offer is about character point of view. Do not switch it around randomly, as you did:

''Whoah, she's too cute!' Timothy (Tim) thought to himself.
'Victor has a good taste,' Matthew (Matt) thought.
For some reason, Victor managed to hear this and was baffled.'

Keep it inside Mary's head, it is far too irregular and sloppy otherwise. If you do want to change point of views, make sure you do a definitive switch by dedicating an entire section of text to another characters thoughts. Don't do in for one single line.

I'll finish there so as to not bombard you with this whole essay. I'm not sure how old you are (I'm guessing teenager) but the things I have pointed out here are simple and will do wonders in improving your story. Please, please, PLEASE do not be disheartened. I only want to help! If you have any questions, send me a message and I'll be happy to give a hand. Then again, if you'd rather I didn't send me a pm saying 'shut the hell up and go away!' and I will, but I hope not.

Best of luck!

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