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| .mate.feed.kill.repeat. 2008-04-09 ch 1,  | abuse[I hope you know I hate doing this. But you asked for me to do it.] First of all, don't use the numeral if the number is anywhere from one to ten, no matter what; in your poetry, I would recommend no numerals whatsoever - always spell it out. So in the first line, revise it to "Two burns on my hand," and in line 8, "knowing there are at least five hours until I can feel it all again." Second, you started out okay... but you lost it after about the third or fourth line. The real problem is that it's disorganized - once again, it doesn't go in any logical order. Everything's there but there's not really a reason for any of it to be there. Your capitalization seems really ...awkward. Just here and there, although I know you were trying to follow some form of like sentence structure, it didn't fit very well. I don't like the last line, either, but that's not really concrit (or flame or whatever you'd consider this one), that's just my opinion. Please don't do it again. I'll be home from track by 5:15 (I hope) and I'll call you when I get home. I finally have the notebook done for you (god I'm sorry it took me so ** long). I love you Casi. Just please don't hurt yourself. -stix- |
| Tranquil Thorns 2008-04-09 ch 1, | abuseCreepy description. The theme of self-harm here is just as disturbing. Nicely conveyed, though. |
| Echo of silence 2008-04-09 ch 1, | abuseOMG..! That sounds kind of scary... :S |