Some grammar stuff:

“Most would call Sara Lindscott hopeless. Hopeless, clueless, and aimless.”

Above sentence should be separated by a semi-colon, and be a list:

“Most would call Sara Lindscott hopeless; hopeless, clueless, and aimless.”

“She was the sort of girl who would be sitting in the back of the classroom, nearly unnoticeable, staring outside the windows with”

Your choice, but it would read better with “out the window” instead of “outside the window”

“She would stare blankly at the class, and then resume to the windows.”

That one is tough to read too. Try “resume staring out the windows.” Or “return to the windows.”

“She seemed almost unaware of even herself. If they didn’t know better, they would call her mentally challenged. Autistic, maybe even.”

Again, try a semi-colon after challenged.

“No one wondered what was going on in her mind, questioned her persona. It was just how she was, they decided.”

Above sentence you could drop the “They decided” It is clear without it and just adds words. Too many words (believe me I KNOW) drives away a reader.

“The usual treatment of an outcast with ‘brain damage’.”

Combine this with the previous sentence, with a semi-colon (they are your friends), and it will no longer be a fragment!

“She knew about it, and couldn’t exactly say she didn’t care about it. Because she did.”

Again – semi-colon to combine the sentence and avoid a fragment. (okay, you get the idea, I’ll stop with my love of the semi-colon now!!)

“Sara Lindscott never gave herself much observation, though. “
I really like this line. It says so much about the character. It says so much about all of us really. Excellent thought.

“ She wondered if it was something the teacher had set up, to punish her for daydreaming all the time, and to frighten her into paying attention to what she should, more. “

This sentence needs to be re-constructed (is that a word??). The “what she should more” is awkward. Try dropping that. Paying attention is sufficient.

“The next thing after this she decided to do was also very foolhardy and random.”

This is awkward also. Combine it with the next sentence and tighten it up. And don’t say “the next thing after this” – that is confusing. Try: “Next, her foolhardy and random decision was to look for the vanished glass shards.” Or something like that…

“ A person who suddenly appeared without her noticing was suspicious for her, since one of the few things she prided upon was noticing things, no matter how subtle or small.”

She doesn’t seem shocked enough! Give us her ‘reaction’ not a logical thought. (even though I am intrigued by this…)

“The boy was currently looking at her with an almost practiced laziness- every feature of him seemed to be exaggerated towards the notion of being uncaring and idle,”

Absolutely CHARMING! I love this bit. More like this please!


““Then…who’s place is it?” She dared, more boldly. He viewed her some more, the lazy gaze of his seeming to evaluate her.”

And more like this! This is great dialogue. Using the odd phrases makes him seem more interesting and her reaction seems more real here.

“Had her daydreams gotten out of hand? Was this some strange form of schizophrenia introducing itself to her? Reason and logic weren’t exactly things she was familiar with, but she realized how dearly she needed them now.”

This is lovely too. I like her self-analysis.

“The last thing she did was the most foolhardy and random of all.

Sara followed the now walking boy away from the school, and wondered if her uncle would miss her.”

Put these two sentences together. Wonderful ending to the chapter! Cute story so far. Hope I’m not over-grammarizing you (yes – I know grammarizing is NOT a word..)

Z

(PS - see what happens when you give me a review! Gah! Now I'm terrorizing you. Hope you don't mind.)

This is a really nice prologue. I like it very much. I think you provided a good brief picture as to who 'she' is and how she limits herself.

I liked the way you broke up the paragraphs too. One short line, then a few lines to flesh it out without getting carried away. That compelled me to read more. Plus, being short is helpful for online reading.

The only complaint I have is the last line. I don't like "she'd". I think:
"And so she continued looking outside" would have been a smoother, easier-to-read final line.

Overall, my compliments, a very nice start.

Z

Review 2 :D

If the chapter ends up being like this, I think I'll like it very much. This boy is very mysterious, a smart-**, and a bit dull all at the same time. He's very quizzical and, just as I know is possible, confuses the smart girl with his seeming illogic. People do that to me all of the time.

And if it ends up going another way, I'll still read it! I like the character of Sara, a lot. I hope you write more soon!

This was rather interesting. I read all three of your posted chapters. My honest opinion is you don't need the prologue. I'd save the contemplation/narration for later in the story - perhaps insert it like a daydream or craft into more of a poem.

The second chapter I enjoyed, particularly the opening. The first few paragraphs were engaging and unique enough to set a tone for the character to come. It's the kind of thing that if I were in a bookstore I would keep reading. I did think that you could shorten it though. You made the point and the last few paragraphs of this section were redundant. I’d keep the escalation (not to the point of 'brain damage' - I found that term misleading) but then move on to the plot. I’d end this at the “even if she wanted to”.

I liked the broken glass imagery and climbing through the window to kick off the story - very Alice in Wonderland. I got an Alice/White Rabbit sort of flash there (hopefully intended). Again though I thought you repeated yourself - the boy discussed finding the pieces three times - once should be enough. Tighten it up so the reader can move on.

Another suggestion I'd make would be to describe the characters physically just a bit more. I got the mental state and the setting, but my first impression of your newest character was more leprechauns - probably from the way he spoke - then from a clearly painted visual.

I loved the last line (wondered if her uncle would miss her) - great chapter ending.

Third chapter - I thought the banter was well written dialogue and I think it's an appropriate next step. Your main character is unlikely to wonder off in silence - probably needing words to guide her/distract her from thinking about what she's really doing. I think the topic of age again gives the reader what they need, something physical to hold on to.

Good work.

Wow. I... I really like this. Excuse me, but this easy fix RG review may turn into more than a shallow review.

I really love your word choice. You use elegant enough words to give the story a sort of higher-order feel to it, but you don't overuse the five dollar words to a point that is nauseating and seems pretentious. You seemed right on the spot with it.

I really like the dialog. It flows quite nicely, and the obvious accent to the boy that Sara meets sounds authentic(though at one point I had to make a double take at the words to be sure he said what I read) and their conversation sounds genuine and not forced in a way.

I also like the hint of comedy where Sara corrects the boy, and herself. Being a Grammar Nazi myself at times, it made me giggle and respect Sara. I really like this character. I'm adding you and the story to my favorites. :]

Review Game^^

I really like the dialogue in this. It seems to really fit the characters and I like how you used other words instead of "said" repeatedly. I also like whow the sentences flow welly, though I think a few could use a few supporting details.Also in some parts it was a tiny bit confusing because it seemed to go by too quickly. But other than that, it's great! keep it up! :)

I like daydreaming too.

"Autistic, maybe even." - 'Maybe even' is a double negative, I advise cutting one of the words out.

"...mind, questioned her persona." - There really should be an 'or' after the comma so the sentence will flow better.

"Such a fine girl, they would say." - If 'such a fine girl' is what they say, then you should put it in single quotations, just like you did with the line ‘Oh, he’s not as hopeless as compared to, like, Sara Lindscott.’.

"...couldn’t exactly say she didn’t care about it. Because she did." - If she cares, then you should tell the readers how she feels about it, what she thinks about what people say about her and treat her.

"You could tell that this girl was rather unsure of herself. Oh, she told herself that she was confident, that she most definitely was sure of herself, but then again, there was the choice of words- told." - There's too many uses of 'herself' it really distracted me. Plus, I can't really follow that whole paragraph, I understand what it is you're saying, but the wording and how you say it is it really difficult to follow.

"Because reality had never been pleasant. And who would want to stay in what wasn’t pleasant?
-
The windows shattered, and she jerked back in surprise and fear." - This sudden change in the story is too much, even with a line break, it jumps from a narrative to a quick action within the story. I didn't even know what was going on, I suggest moving the part explaining that she had stayed behind to make up a test to appear first after the line break, then a window suddenly shattering.

"...to frighten her into paying attention to what she should, more." - Putting 'more' at the end of the sentence is really out of place, the sentence itself should be rearranged a little bit to be a little more smooth, like, "...to frighten her into paying more attention to what she should be focusing on.", however you want to write it.

"She hoisted herself over a windowsill and outside..." - This part of the sentence just drops off at 'outside'. I mean what's going on, she hoists herself over a windowsill and...outside? That doesn't really say much, maybe she hoists herself up over that windowsill then jumps outside. Also, saying, 'hoists herself over A windowsill' means that it's no particular windowsill at all, just anyone, when in fact it is a specific one, it's the windowsill that was broken (I'm guessing anyway). You might also want to include that she is only on the first floor (again, I'm guessing that she is).

"The next thing after this she decided to do was also very foolhardy and random. She looked for the vanished glass shards." - I don't really see looking for glass shards as foolhardy. It's not very random either since she was looking for the glass shards inside the school before she jumped outside.

"“I mean,” he repeated, raising [an] brow..." - 'An' should be 'a'

"The…peculiarness of the entire situation... - "Peculiarness" isn't a word, even if you're using it as a purposeful mistake for the character it doesn't fit because later on she corrects the boy on the word metaphorical.

Well I like this story, although it creates more questions than answers, which is fine since it is only the first chapter. Glass shards, strange, a journey to look for glass shards, I can only wonder. Keep writing.

Hmm interesting prologue, good imagery and descriptions. It doesn't really set much up for the story though, I'm still left wondering what this is leading to. Very creative nonetheless.

"She wouldn’t go out herself, only look out. It said something about herself..." - You wrote 'herself' in back to back sentences, which makes it sound repetitive. I would get rid of the one in the second sentence, and change it to something like, "It said something about who she was...". I'm not telling you to write exactly that, just offering a suggestion.

"...how she was content to gaze at stars, not reach for them." - This is a really good description of her character.

All in all a short but nice prologue.

JABABABABABABABA.
this is obviously Rei. C: who would comment on they're own story saying it AWESOMEFANTASTIC. :d anyways, it is a CRAZYAWESOMEFANTASTICUPDATEORDIE story. C: of course, I wouldn't kill you but, er, a near-death situation. C:

Interesting...I like it so far, the boy's accent is amusing. Stories like these always get me hooked- I'm a daydreamer myself. I'm a little confused about what's happening, but so is the main character so I'm sure everything will be explained later on. Great writing style, perfect vocabulary and grammer-keep it up, it's a good story!