This is awesome! I love how the first and last two lines are so similar -- good use of parallelism!

-W. Griffin

i like the imagery in the beginning, thought-provoking and dark. i also think the lack of capitalisation works well here.

however, towards the end, it gets confusing to me, and i don't like the lack of transition between 'they're dead in grey' and the next line. i think maybe a dash or a period would help this. perhaps that's just me.