FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Ogden-of-the-Moon-Clan 2008-04-13 ch 1,  | abuseRight: Dialog: Not particularly good, I'm afraid. You sometimes give the impression that the cast are all reciting old movie lines, the feeling is that they are not speaking... naturally, as it were. They're mostly speaking straight facts, when they aren't deviating into metaphors. Try and speak it out in your head. Say these lines. If a friend of yours heard you say them, would he consider it natural? Try and work it out. Characters: Apart from the security guard, nobody appears to have any physical flaws. They do not seem to have much in the characterisation aspect, and as a result one can't help but wonder who is in some TV show with a different name being portrayed in the story. Another thing is that you tend to give information about characters that runs on a little. The main protagionist and antagonist may need this, but bit-players don't. Try and think out how a character would react in a situation. Then ask yourself, 'why'. Is it because something is due to happen, and the character has past experience of the consequences? Asking that simple question not only makes your characters feel more genuine, it can also help you plan out a backstory. Spelling: Not good. You don't seem to understand what a comma is for. When you want a slight pause, use a comma. When you want a lengthy pause, use a semi-colon. When you want a sentence breaker, use a period. Plot: I'm afraid I've seen a lot of cliched elements in this. But you'll have to dig them out yourself. Try and give someone a meaningful reason to do things, aside from 'It looks good on paper.' Don't give in to the temptation to be shallow. That said, none of this is personal. Keep trying, and before long you'll be churning out original masterpieces like the rest of us! |