Reviews for twelve - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: twelve - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

theinfinitebee 2008-08-15 ch 9,	abuseYou.Owe.Me. Big time. This seems more emotional than your other poems. I think the first thing that gave me that impression was how you repeated sky. "into the asphalt sky,/a sky without stars save for street lamps," It threw me off, because you don't normally do that in the poems of yours that I have read, so that may be another reason. I know when I'm feeling a particular emotion rather strongly, I tend to repeat words like that. Almost in a delirious way. You do it again in your Author's Note: "too late, too late," I like how you compare the night sky's colour to asphalt. I noticed you did something similar in Painted Midnight ("darkness strewn/like gasoline streams spilled across the sky"). It makes me think of the sky in a different way, with how you depict it. The image of "fluorescent syringes puncturing/the fragile skin of night," is one that gives me chills. Seems slightly morbid, to me. Does black velvet have some sort of significance that I'm missing? Or is it just the image of keeping warm? It's interesting, how you describe yourself hiding your secrets. "luminous/with possibility." I love that. The last three stanzas + a line had me confused so I had to read it aloud. I know what you're going after (or at least, I think I do) when you put a period after "yesterday", but maybe a comma would be better? and then another one after "skin"? It separates it more, and makes it easier to read. But the last six lines still have to be my favourite, especially, "like coal ribbons/igniting my matchstick skin." The last line ties it together perfectly. So much emotion in three little words. Amazing. And I don't know about in your town, but I can see plenty of stars in Mountainside on most nights. Not as many as I could say, out west, but enough to keep me happy.
Nemonus 2008-08-09 ch 9,	abuseExcellent. There is indeed beauty to be found in suburbs as much as there in the wild, if one can see it, and if one is out at night.
Morgan Duriya 2008-08-09 ch 9,	abuseThese are amazing. The imagery and the metaphors are brilliant ^_^ Very good job. Sometimes our best inspiration is the actions of the oposite sex. I look forward to reading more!
Nemonus 2008-07-21 ch 8,	abuseExcellent extended metaphor and sense of color.
theinfinitebee 2008-07-20 ch 8,	abuseFirst two words: I WIN. :) Just had to finish gloating. Onto the review. I must say, I am so glad you added more. I'd say this one is definitely the best...certainly an improvement from april, in my opinion. "i thought i had learned how to harvest/the brittle, coppery remains of my heart" has to be my favourite stanza, not only because I love the image it paints, but because I can relate so well. I love the last three lines too...well, I love the entire thing. It flows so well, and I find it amazing how you can say so much with so little, yet still paint an amazing image in the process. Great job. I'm very glad you added more. :)
Morgan Duriya 2008-07-05 ch 1,	abuseBeautiful imagery. And a universal topic that is easily relatable, yet done in a way different from others. Very good job^^
Mourning Sickness 2008-06-24 ch 1,	abuseThe format is perfection, and I love the isolated line, particularly "sweat-sweet backs."
fairytale failure 2008-06-06 ch 3,	abuseHmm, this one is not my favourite. The way you weaved the idea of religion into the poem was very nice but I don't think you really fit it together with the idea of miscommunication. I did think the fourth stanza was amazing.
fairytale failure 2008-06-06 ch 2,	abuseWow. This chapter reads, to me, like an extended metaphor of this person as the sun, and the way you describe it is absolutely stunning. I loved the third stanza (I keep reading it over and over again!) and 'your radiance, the waking metronome I set my heartbeat to.' I also feel like I can relate to this poem very well. The author's note made me smile. =)
fairytale failure 2008-06-06 ch 1,	abuseI like the whole innocent, childlike, eternal-summer feel of this. The imagery really gives me the feeling of being sticky, lazy and hot. I really liked the second stanza, but actually, all of it was great.
Nemonus 2008-06-06 ch 7,	abuselol! That a/n! Good point. I was going to comment that the first stanza is a bit too thick with odd word placements and forms ("fleckish"?), but you seem to have written a disclaimer for that, lol. "In ebony, a mirror...etched" is very good, quite tactile, I think. Good metaphor in the last two lines too, not quite sappy.
theinfinitebee 2008-06-05 ch 7,	abuseWell, to start, I whole-heartedly agree with your author's note. I like the second stanza best. "after dawdled spring, all etched" and "skin dusting fleckish" and "craters blue-eyed deep" are amazing phrases. "let my lips sign here" is a perfect ending. While it's still better than I can do, I don't think this was one of your best of the twelve. I think it was the way you started out, "you are as lovely as to scrawl" was confusing. The second stanza is, in my opinion, far better than the first. The rhythm is also slightly different from your usual patterns, but that's not a bad thing.
Nemonus 2008-06-04 ch 6,	abuse"reality, that crackling AM radio, has taken a commercial break" and "moon-boned curve" are fantastic. Good one.
theinfinitebee 2008-05-31 ch 6,	abuseBecause you were extremely nice, I am reviewing at yet again, an obscene hour in the morning. …I should threaten to withhold reviews more often, if it gets me four. Moving on, I think this is one of the best out of the twelve series. You've explained to me your frustration with these poems, and that is so clearly radiated here. "and it's the maddening song of your body"….."how many syllables have I wasted composing the false harmony of our hips?" "arranging my dangling verses like plastic melodies" It's so obvious that you're extremely frustrated with these feelings, and I like how it's portrayed in this poem. In the first stanza, "jammed/with a strange static" for some reason, the first thing that popped into my head was a jukebox. Don't ask me why, you may call me old-fashioned if you wish. This may be coming from the musician, but I love the musical references, always do. It may be just me, but I don't really like the way you have the last two lines beginning with "and". I try to avoid that, though I can't really think of anything else that you can do. Favourite line: "and with every sing-song refrain, I've sold my poetic soul to Hallmark." Once again, excellent work.
theinfinitebee 2008-05-14 ch 5,	abuseIt's killing me to read love poetry tonight, but seeing as I disrupted your original writing process for this poem, I'll review tonight. I like the way you have this poem formatted: 1, 2, 1, 3, 1, 2, 1. For some reason that stands out to me, and I like it a lot. I think what I love most about this poem in particular is the way you applied so much nature themes -- especially thunderstorms, which I love -- into it. The way you do it is absolutely brilliant. I love the feeling of absolute longing is in this poem. I can so relate to this poem, especially the second and fourth stanza. I can put the person I like (you know who) in here and it makes me lost in a dreamland of longing. I usually like picking out favourite lines, but I really can't in this poem. Everything is calling out to me at once. I like the 2/3 lines and the fourth stanza the most, maybe. Lovely poem, absolutely lovely. What I find ironic though is that you once said to me, "I can't imagine being in love with anyone." :) Yours, ~Bee.

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