 Twilight Starr 2008-07-05 . chapter 1The ending made me laugh. I like that she resisted him in the beginning. Nice, short story.
Good luck with writing, this story, and life. Have a lovely day and a wonderful summer.
~Twilight Starr~ |
 Aleksy The Flying Onion 2008-04-14 . chapter 1Wow, this is a very nice short story! I really felt like I was there. The pacing was good, as were your descriptions. You had a nice mixture of action and dialog, and the ambiguity in the ending is pretty cool. You pulled off an open ending very well, so kudos!
A couple things I'd like to point out. In your opening paragraph, first sentence, "A wicked smile curved upwards upon his thin lips as the rhythm of the vociferous techno music"
I would really suggest you revise this. Curved upwards upon' us very awkward, and I can assure you that many people(myself included) have no idea what vociferous means, or how in the world it relates to techno music. This sentence isn't really that bad, but my point is that you first sentence has to be perfect, or else people will be turned off without even knowing what the story is about.
Anyway, nice job! I hope you win. :D |