"don't you think eternity is too long a time to never see the sky again?"
That's my favorite line, but the whole poem was amazing. Then again, all of the poems of yours I've read so far have been amazing.
Keep on writing; I think you've got real talent.
:)
bye

Response to An:

I greatly appreciate that you took the time to submit a detailed and honest review.

However, you seem to think that your opinion is the truth. It isn't. It is, well, your opinion, and an expression of your personal literary preferences. There is no objective standard by which to judge art. I sometimes enjoy writing in this style, some people enjoy reading it, and since I write as a hobby and creative outlet and not as a profession, I'll do what I damn well please.

I never gave you that "Nothing is original anymore". It's hardly what I believe. You didn't even leave me an email address with which to respond to your comments, so doesn't it seem pretty ridiculous to make baseless assumptions of what I would say and then rebuke them? I don't need to make excuses to you. How dare you tell me what I should live by or how I should write. I value all feedback on my writing, but you're nevertheless just another person with your own viewpoint and tastes that are no more or less valid than anyone else's.

I could write a list of words I never want to hear in poetry again. Words like screaming, suicide, razor, blade, innocence, rotting, betrayal, empty, agony, venom, decay, and vomit. You want to convey angst? Fine. Great. Poets have been writing about angst forever. The thing is, a lot of people write angst poetry the exact same way you do. So write angst. Butrite it originally, creatively. Don't use the same words a million other poets use. And don't give me that "Nothing is original anymore." No excuses.

I noticed that this poem is rich in imagery -- trite imagery, but you show an enthusiasm nonetheless. So try using more...metaphorical, subtle images. Show, don't tell. That's the only cliche you should live by.

god, i hope you know your writing's beautiful - darling, darling your not making sense, is just so 'effing brilliant. it's simple and i love it, makes me think of someone talking to their dead lover. these images are just so harsh, wonderful work.

I love the imagery you use, and the analogies. The words you choose to string together, are perfectly chosen. Amazing work.

shit, pq, this is amazing. (you are an amazing writer). i'm jealous. really jealous.

another favourite.

rowan.

This is one stunning piece of writing. The images created are so piercingly true to their colors - I especially adore the line "suicide in my pocket//in crumpled up papers of smudged graphite death". Wow is all else I have to say.(more like WOW!!DLKFJ!!, but yes.)

This poem reminded me a lot of one of those weird screamo angsty songs that have a lot of really poetic and beautiful imagery... but no continuence (is that a word?) of thought and which really don't make sense.

"don't you think / eternity is too long a time to never see the sky again?" - I liked this line a LOT.

and I like this - "but hold me (like) i'm dying"

You have a lot of cool images here, but ... that's all. I don't know, maybe that's the point - general angst. But, honestly, I'd like there to be something more. A lot of the things you say are the exact same things that everybody says. You talk about cutting and use words liek "rotting" and "decay" and "clawing" and "tragedy" and "venom" and... it creates a lot of beautiful-sounding phrases... but there is no depth. There's nothing here I think "omgawsh YES I know just how this kid feels" or that I feel for you, or that I understand, or that I want to connect emotionally to this... I just see a lot of pretty images that convey a lot of meaningless angst.

I dunno. I long for something more... something concrete in the midst of all the fuzzy beauty.

-Jesse

thanks much for the review/add. i really appreciate it. this is - beautiful isn't the right word for it. it's harsh & tragic & brutal, & i really like it that way. the images are more jarring than pretty, which is great. also, the development in this is very nice, the way you return & recycle a few of your images gives this flow. oh, & your rhythm is wonderful. love the line you chose for your summary, as well as the final line. the beginning half of the first stanza is /really/ good. second stanza is probably my favourite just in terms of tone (these days, i'm drinking in more muted stuff), but it's a little displaced in this poem as a whole. i found as i read it i relaxed, breathed - & then got hit with three stanzas of very violent imagery. haha, but if you wanted it that way then props.

once again, thank you. & - you write a good deal about not being able to write, from just looking at the summaries of your most recents works. another time i'll look through more of them, but i just need to tell you: you can. you definitely, definitely can.

-kait

you know, I still dislike how you never capitalize your "I"s, but I guess that boat has sailed.

Well... "sharpy" should be capitalized, as it is a proper noun. I adore the imagery, but the punctuation is awkward and confused me. I love this poem, but the grammar errors takes away so much of its magic.

Once again, I adore your lines! They are so creative, poetic, and just... beautiful. All the metaphors, imagery, I love this!

really really really love this.
really.
great imagery.
yeah.
that's about it.

Oh damn, this is amazing. I love the images in this poem...it feels so suffocating, in a way. Love the fourth and fifth stanzas. *faves* Great job.


-C.N

wow, the first of your writing that i have read and i am very impressed. You have an amazing way of writing and i cant wait to read more.
and specifically with this one, you have amazing descriptions of what is visually happening.
amazing work.

well, dear, i like the idea of suicide in your pocket. i'm in love with your last paragraph. the last line is terrific. love it.

amazing piece. so real and full of emotion. great job.
Faith