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| simpleplan13 2008-05-16 ch 1,  | abuseFor all you care,/It doesn’t concern you,... that phrasing just sounded awkward As did change the way of my perception... Im not sure why you need the way of there But by pass the truth,.. bypass The beginning is nice, but I really like the ending. The being at the edge of death and the descriptions in the second to last line were really great. |
| Misstress Nicole 2008-04-22 ch 1, | abuseIn line ten replacing 'does' with 'is' would sound better. And the second to last line, did you mean 'sight' because 'site' is a place. On second thought I think I'm wrong. After reading it again it makes sense as the world is a place. I like that line. "The things I do for you" is it that you give up something to earn love only to ... I'm sorry I really don't understand what you mean in this poem. I feel like it's missing something but I can't pinpoint what it is. If you have time, can you email me and tell me the thought behind this peom as I'd like to understand it. |
| Almsivi 2008-04-22 ch 1, | abuseI like the summary; it really caught my eye. I would agree with perpetual questions that the commas inturrupt the flow. I also liked how some lines were bolded while some were italicized; it helped give them more feeling. |
| perpetual questions 2008-04-15 ch 1, | abuseI like the direct tone. The perspective is interesting, or at least interestingly worded. Favourite lines: 'But wouldn’t it feel great to be at the edge of death, And come back up to a newer world,' 'Or does torturing me so much fun,' --this sounds like it should be 'Or *is* torturing me so much fun'. 'you’ve never experience before' should be 'you've never experienceD before', I think. It seemed to me like there were too many commas interrupting the flow of the second stanza. It was a run-on sentence and it got somewhat confusing. Here's how I would suggest rewriting it: 'Or is torturing me so much fun That you can’t resist But by pass the truth that you know So well -- Like how you know you can’t live without blood Or survive without oxygen. But wouldn’t it feel great to be at the edge of death And come back up to a newer world With a grand and explicit site that you’ve never experienced before? * If you hate me so much, can you tell me why you still love me?' *I'd perhaps put a line break there. I don't really understand the idea of a 'grand and explicit site', but I'm probably missing something. |