|Reviews for My poetry|
| Isca 6/7/08 . chapter 6
Flowed well. It was beautiful!
| theinfinitebee 4/16/08 . chapter 2
Hint: Just post it in the General category if you don't know what it is. Easier [in my opinion] than making a storybook of your poems - plus if you post them individually, more people will read them.
Ok, enough of that. On to the reviewing. (I'm going to review both of your poems here.)
I think you have a knack for imagery, though that may be hard to say since I've only read two of your poems. It's very good for someone who's starting out writing - I could picture everything and almost hear the water flowing...etc.
You seem to know that not all poems have to rhyme - that's good, because for a 13 year old, many your age do not know that. You seem to have a good idea of splitting up your lines, too, and where to break them off.
"With dark red berries/Which I think were rosehips" was probably my favourite line of that.
I noticed that neither of your poems have stanzas, which might be helpful depending on the poem. It might not work with "Beautiful" but it would with "Big Sky, Dancing Birds, Crumbling Bricks"
Ok, second review: Big Sky, Dancing Birds, Crumbling Bricks
Wow. I like this one a lot. It's very elegant.
The first thing I noticed about this poem were the lines: "And there are no clouds, except a few." It may be just me, but try phrasing that differently. You shouldn't be hypocritical in your poems, avoid it if you can. (Unless, of course, you're training to be a satirist.)
Again, wonderful imagery. "Purple with distance, that cluster round the far-away mountains." Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be an artist, painting pictures with words instead of paint.
You can tighten up your stanzas. I notice you have "Big sky, dancing birds, crumbling bricks" at certain points in the poem. What I would do is have that as the opening line for each stanza...which you seem to almost do, but you're not quite there yet. Maybe you had stanzas, that got destroyed when you uploaded the document? Or it may be that the line is at the end of each stanza?
"Purple with distance, that cluster round the far-away mountains." I love the way you phrased the first three words, but the "that" is bugging me. With poetry, you can break all the grammatical laws and have lowercase beginnings, incorrect grammar...etc. It's hard to know that at first, yes, but you could have done that. Try: "clustering round the far-away mountains."
Also the "round" part. It's either "around" if you want to be grammatically correct, or 'round, to imply that the A should be there and you aren't talking about a spherical object.
"The beige rooftops of the city stretch on/you could walk across them to/how far?" I really like this too, especially the "how far" part. Try putting a "..." after the to, because it seems like the speaker/writer is actually looking, trying to see.
"The breeze lifts her hair/the girl who sits/hunched up/ on the wall." I see what you're trying to say here but it really isn't working that well. First of all, I don't like the phrase "hunched up", it sounds too much like slang and drags away from the elegance of the rest of the poem. Try something like, "With the breeze lifting her hair/The girl sits/hunched/on the wall/that crumbles patches of paint" See how that flows better? And you can have hunched on one line. Just shift things around a bit. The last line of it is good - and doesn't need to be changed. I like the image of crumbling paint.
And I like the ending, plus the title. You have a real knack for poetry, my dead.
Let me know if this helped any.