Oh, original story! Sweet! -pounces on- Forgive me if I get really anal in this review, but I wanna help :D And keep in mind I won't be just making stuff up to take you down a couple of pegs like I do to Madge. 'Cos you don't need it.

First off, though, I wanna say that 'Lyser is a total cutie. The "Why are you punching a steel pole and inflicting injury upon youself" line made me go "ZOMG L", even though they're clearly extremely different. I mean, L's pretty heartless in regard to death, and 'Lyser clearly isn't at all.

I also want to say, when I read your author's note about how this was randomly from a novel series idea, I went "Great, I'm not gonna know what's going on..." But of course I underestimated you, so sorry! It's all making sense, but it's not revealing too much. I am very intrigued. So, you know what you're gonna do, Kni-chan? You're gonna write those novels and let me read them, as soon as you're comfortable to do so.

Okay, you've probably heard these grammatical things a million times, but I'm gonna go through them anyway, 'cos I'm a grammar Nazi.

There is for distance, ie look over there, see that there, what's going on over there. Their is possessive, so for things which belong to people or things, generally for a group or ** who the protagonist doesn't know is a boy yet, ie it's theirs, why do humans keep so little control on their emotions, blah blah. Finally, they're is a conjunction of 'they are'. Since we're all so lazy English speakers, we tend to go "they're red" rather than "they are red". We suck and just confuse ourselves. I totally messed up on those three all the time until I put it to yaoi;

"Look, there's my uke! Their cries are so loud, they're deafening me."

Yaoi make everything easier.

It's and its. You didn't mix them up very much, but a little bit. So, it's is one of our lazy conjunctions, of it is, and less commonly it was. Its is when you're talking about an animal or **, something that belongs to them. Like his or her.

Homophobes totally suck. I wish that pole being pwn'd would pwn homophobia.

Adding "'s" to something is to show possession, generally, or to abbreviate "is" or "was".

In terms of speech, the rule is if there's a new speaker, it's a new line/paragraph. Otherwise, it stays a part of the old one, unless there's a serious subject change. Then you do this;

"Blah blah blah blah blah.

"But anyways, I love teh **."

I've also noticed that you tend to put a space between the opening quote mark and the first word. Not necessary ;)

I really hate ranting about these things, but I've had them drilled into my brain so often I do it every single time I see them used out of place. Blame my education?

I shall pass on the advice given to me way back when I started high school! Because it's awesome, and really helpful, and then you hear it and go "Oh, I knew that, but I didn't know how to word it or that I was doing it!"

Sentences which begin with the characters' names, he, she, the, or then quickly become repetitive and bore the mind. A sentence which starts with an adjective or adverb will quickly catch and maintain the reader's attention. You don't have any problem with this, but it's good to know ;)

Shuichi has really girly hips.

Having a good plot is great and all, but if the readers don't care about your main characters? They're not gonna care. Also, don't draw curtains over the dirty parts. That's what people want! Typically, the human mind cares about who's doing what with who, power and glory, and the solving of puzzles.

Hmm, maybe Mello should start wearing clothes with puzzle patterns...

I really did like this, don't get me wrong at all! I'm seeing great things for you :) Please write these novels, and please let me read them first ;P

Love you and really, really miss you!

Sues

P.S. I got a Light figurine today. He's holding his hand out for something, so I've been shoving him in people's faces going "Give me your name!" and demanding cake so he can seduce L.

Sadly, he's gonna be lonely for a month. I can't get the L figure until DVD 3 comes out in May. We should RP them even more to make up for it XD

OH! You should also make 'Lyser and Rad on YH! THAT WOULD BE EPIC!! :D:D:D