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| Moondog Dozier 2008-04-23 ch 1,  | abuseI like how you've concentrated on scene and locality in this. How the surroundings make you think of odd connections, and where the mind strays to in the grind of everyday. Well placed imagery, and modern philosophical commentary. Good work. MD:77. |
| emeraude-irlandais 2008-04-20 ch 1, | abuseI like the abrupt, sudden, kind of mundane thought transitions here, interspersed with minor revelations of the kind one might expect from a sleepy mind. I love "i've seen at least 3 motorcycles already/this morning, as though 50 degree/7 ams bring out the biker in everyone." Not sure why, though; it just made me smile. |
| One-Hand Clap 2008-04-19 ch 1, | abuseThis was a charming poem. Something I appreciated about it was the Proust-style look at 'there is beauty everywhere' -- at least, that's what I've interepreted it as. I have a chronic history of misinterpreting poems... Ach. Anyways. I thought the way you took a very normal, somewhat banal topic - the dreadfully tedious Morning Commute - and turned it into something worth writing about. Because this was worth writing about, and the second last stanza basically sums it up for me: some people never take down christmas decorations. they look oddly misshapen against the snowless yards. However, I think that if you had've put the last stanza 'I always forgot how many potholes there are in clairemont' before this second last stanza, it would give it a better ring, because the second last stanza is basically a great way to end a poem, really. Nethertheless, this is just a suggestion, and if it changed the (actual) message of the poem too drastically for you, I'd just forgo my advice completely. Something else I would've changed were these lines: this morning, as though 50 degree 7 ams bring out the biker in everyone. Maybe it's just my ignorance, or maybe it's some local slang-sorta-thing, but I don't understand what it means. - Clap Trap, from Review Marathon (link in my awesome, heart-stopping profile) |