FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Dowie 2008-04-19 ch 1,  | abuseThe atmosphere and overall feel of the piece seems that you have achieved what you were meaning to do. You use "and" way too much, especially in the earlier stages of the story, it reads a little bit like a list. Also watch your perspective, there were moments of 2nd in what was a 3rd person piece. Look to make your syntax a little more varied as well, but good work overall. |