|Reviews for Grandson|
| FreedomFighterLance 9/5/11 . chapter 5
I look forward to reading the sequel... if there ever is one. And it looked like you were hinting that Panther went berserk and killed everyone unconsciously. It seemed to hint at that possibility, so I'll just assume that for now. Very good story! I cried at the end.
| Alteng 8/28/08 . chapter 5
This chapter was the most emotional one thst you wrote in the whole story. I am glad that Panther found hope in the end. I have done terrible things to characters in that way and gave them no hope. I can be so mean. The necklace played an improtant role in the story, and it was the one that you had intended.
You do have some grammar problems. I believe they are typos, but that will work itself out if you chose to rewrite.
Indeed sequels are nice, and the story is opened for it. I have sequel and prequels always in my mind. I had a co-worker tell me that I have too much character background stories. I think it makes them well rounded.
Oh, and you were very lucky to have a creative writing class that allowed a fantasy story. We had to write mainstream stories, and I don't have that in me. My teacher told me that fantasy/ science fiction was not considered literature.
Anyway, this was a good read.
| Alteng 8/28/08 . chapter 4
I was headed over here to read this story when I got your reply. I am looking forward to getting to the end of this story. Indeed, I figured that one of the two would have to die. I am surprised that the villagers didn't send someone out before to kill the "terrible demon spawn" before now.
I am unsure if you are intending that Panther grew up faster because of his demon blood. Many times, stories use this technique because the couple of years around the infant character are of a relatively young age. Tike is already old. To give him another 10 to 15 years won't make that much more of a difference. Putting a few more years in there will also make for the idea of the death and destruction ot set in better for Panther's mind. He can still be innocent, because he has had no real contact with others.
Also, this is a thought in developement. Humans are superstitious beings. And we do like embelishing stories as time goes on. You have already proved that the villagers are superstitious. What is to say that they wouldn't be blaming Panther for things that he has nothing to do with, like crop failures, a sudden disease, and whatnot. I am a terrible person, you know, and I try hard. My characters hate me.
| Alteng 8/28/08 . chapter 3
Yayly was a strange twist in the story. I feel even more for Panther. I do hope that Panther can get a good life somewhere along the lines.
There is not much to say about this chapter, but I am enjoying it.
| Alteng 8/28/08 . chapter 2
This was another entertaining chapter, but that was very foolish of Tike to take the child into town at such an early age, and then not to teach him about the feelings that other people had of his kind.
I liked how you began this chapter off with Panther chasing the frog. That was so cute, and the end of the chapter where Tike gives him the necklace. That was touching. I felt bad for Panther and what he had learned from the humans.
| Alteng 8/27/08 . chapter 1
This strikes me strongly of being in the Inuyasha universe because of several factors. The kine about the demon being borned pretty was one of them. I rememeber the half demon and his mother that lived outside their village and grew herbal plants. The mother said something to that effect.
As far as emotional, it isn't overly so. In a way, it rather sweet.
| Harmonic Discord 7/3/08 . chapter 4
Well, that was an interesting trick of Yaly's. I wasn't expecting that twist at all. It surprised me, and I liked it. Nice.
... Hmm. A random guess (born of too many years of reading Inu-Yasha, perhaps...) - did Panther turn into a full demon and kill everyone? If so, I feel quite sorry for him and hope he never finds out who ACTUALLY killed everyone...
If not... well, it seems a little late in the story for you to have introduced a new evil character. We shall see.
“Why come?” Panther whined. - should be "How come?" or "Why?"
“That aren’t a reason.” - "aren't" should be "isn't"
Once he was out, he began his early morning jog through the mountain. - "mountains" - Unless Panther's going to be running straight THROUGH a mountain :-D
“What, is he still made about that little disagreement?” - "mad"
“Your grandfather and I had a discussing - "discussion"
“Of course.” Panther answer without hesitation.
“Then it’s settle.” - "answered" and "settled"
If you don’t want ot, I will understand.” - "to"
Even though he was only a small child, he still remember how terrible the other children had treated him after they found out he was a half-demon. - "can" should be "could"
Up close, he noticed that the note had only one word on it, ‘Panther’, spelled backwards. - Why was it spelled backwards?
He reached for the door’s knob and attempted to open the door, but it was lock. - "locked"
It would be dark soon and his grandfather would be made if he was late again. - "mad"
However, when the door open, he was surprise at what he saw. - "surprised"
With speed that he didn’t know he had, he somehow manage to dodge to giant;s weapon. - "giant's"
The house was nearly torn to pieces before Panther found himself trap within the den. - "trapped" (as a general rule, verbs-turned-adjective are in the past tense and have an "ed" at the end...)
A roar escaped his mouth as he bear his fangs and claws at the giant. - "bared" instead of "bear"
The huge man laid unconscious on the floor. - "lay" is the past tense of "to lie"
Panther heart was still throbbing at what had almost happen fully hit him. - "at" should be "as"
“It’s alright now, I’m here(,)” Yaly comforted the young child. “Tell me, what happen(ed.)” - "all right" is two words.
Once he was over his fallen brother, the stab him several times in the chest. - "the" should be "he" and "stab" should be "stabbed"
“You can see the blood on its’ clothes.” - "its"
“Send it back to hell for what it done!” Another yelled went out. - you don't need "went", "done" should be "did", and the double exclamations seem excessive.
His selfishness had caused them both of their lives. - "cost", not "caused"
The dizziness grew worst, until he slipped into the darkness. - "worst" should be "worse"
Where could it had gone. - should be "Where could it have gone?"
| Estelin 6/28/08 . chapter 5
this was excellent. keep up the good work and writing. i can not wait to read more. i hope their will be a at least a sequel
| Harmonic Discord 6/27/08 . chapter 3
I liked the details you include in this chapter (the wind chime idea was really cool, so kudos for that). I also liked the twist with Yaly at the end. I wasn't expecting him to be a traitor at all. Although I wonder if you could include some foreshadowing, maybe a dark look in his eyes as he watches Panther or something. He seems almost too nice...
One thing that surprised me was that the villager mob from the last chapter didn't try to hunt Tike/Panther down. They seemed so angry and mentioned burning, so I thought they were going to riot and try to incendiate Tike's house or something. Maybe you could address this in this chapter?
Hmm, I wonder what Yaly's got up his sleeve. The suspense!
I don't really like the phrase "beautiful mountain area" - it sounds like something out of a tourist ad... you could try "the beautiful mountains of _Name of mountains_" or something.
He know stood almost four feet off the ground and he had a nice sleek built. - "know" should be "now", "built" should be "build"
Panther heard his grandfather called. - "call"
“Panther, I told you not to wonder too far(,)” Tike scolded. - "wander"
“I didn’t go too far(,)” Panther replied easily, sitting next to the fire.
“I just do not want the town people to see you(,)” Tike said sadly. “They would not hesitate to kill you.”
(This same comma issue is repeated for pretty much the whole chapter so I'll stop pointing it out)
We treat you kind very harshly. - "your"
“Is is cause by your demon blood?” - "Is that caused by your demon blood?"
“I don’t know(,)” Panther answer(ed) simply.
“My abities?” Panther (mispronounced).
“Oh, well I can jump really high, I can smell good, and I’m super strong(,)” Panther answer(ed) childishly.
“As a half-demon, Panther has been condemn to live the rest of his life as a curse creature. - "condemned" and "cursed"
The flame on the candle swayed even faster and more pronoun. - "pronoun"? I have no idea what you were trying to say here. A pronoun is a noun-substitute (like I, you, he/she...) which obviously wasn't what you meant here.
“Who are you to judge someone life?” - "someone's"
“This isn’t over, Tike(,)” (h)e spattered out as he left the house and disappeared into the night. - "Spattered"? I think you meant 'spluttered'. Spattered sounds like something you do with pancake batter.
| Sercus Kaynine 6/17/08 . chapter 5
Overall, this was a very bittersweet story. If your goal was to tug at people's emotions, you did a very good job. By the end of the story I'd become very attached to Panther and Tike.
One thing I must comment on was that there were tons of grammatical errors in here. You switched tenses a lot. Spelling was okay, it was just grammar.
I'd definitely read a sequel portraying the rest of Panther's life. It'd be interesting to see how he handles the problems life dishes out at him. Would he travel the world? Fall in love? The ending just left so many possibilities open!
Good job on this story.
| Tawny Owl 6/2/08 . chapter 4
That was a sad ending. I really felt sorry for Panther being all alone. I'm glad you gave him some hope at the end though.
There are couple of mistakes like “Then it’s settle.”, settle should have a d on the end. Little things but they break the story up a bit.
I also liked the way you showed Panther's internal worry about disobeying Tike, and going to Yaly's house. Made you realise that despite being a half demon, he is also just a young boy.
| Harmonic Discord 5/20/08 . chapter 2
I think your writing has improved since before - just watch out for punctuation issues such as using commas with dialogue (see below) and verb tense.
The transition between the first day in town and the day Panther was discovered also struck me as rather abrupt. It took me a moment to realize that "until that day" was referring to a day six months later, and not to the same day I'd just been reading about. You could probably build it up a little more by having a line break or starting a new paragraph (i.e. "One day in early June...")
Plotwise, the story is intriguing and sweet. I liked how Tike continued to defend Panther despite the entire town turning against them. I was a little confused about why Tike didn't try to send Panther into hiding. Won't the townspeople come after them after they realize that Tike isn't going to kill Panther? Don't they know where Tike lives? Perhaps you deal with this in later chapters.
Tike smiled happily as he watched his young grandson chased a frog around the yard. - "chase"
Panther had given him a sense of fulfillment that he never thought he would had. - "had" should be "have"
“You will not catch him like that, Panther(,)” Tike teased lightly. - I notice you have this mistake in other places too. When you have dialogue, followed by "he said/stated/asked/etc", you *need* to use a comma at the end of the dialogue. There are a lot of excellent websites online that can help with this - just google "dialogue punctuation" to see what I mean...
He supposed because Panther was a half-demon, he like to eat thing fresh. - "like" should be "liked" (past tense)
Even as a baby he had to feed him foods that were raw or he would not eat it. - "it" should be "them" (foods is plural)
Given up his chase, Panther did as he was told. - "Giving"
“I’ll be the best me.” Panther promise, banging his chest with one of his hands. - "promised"
Tike could not help but to be amaze at his innocence. -"amazed"
“Bye bye, Mr. Grey(,)” Panther mispronounce. - "mispronounced", and I'm not sure that "Grey" is pronounced differently from "Gray"...
Good to his word, every month for the last six months - do you mean the "next six months"?
“Yes, he is also very strong(,)” Tike answer, taken a bit of his food. - "answered", and "taking"
“He was abandon?” - "abandoned" since "abandon" means 'a complete surrender of inhibitions' and I don't think that's what you meant, somehow... :)
“I(t) matters not(;) he’s still a demon(,)” The mayor said.
“No, no, no, Tike will not be harm.” A priest suddenly appeared from within the crowd. “Can’t you see that his mind has been poison. - "harmed" and "poisoned"
(")No.” Panther sniffed through his tears.
| l3g3nd 5/14/08 . chapter 5
Aw, so sad and touching. You did a great job, and congrats for finishing this story (as for now I guess XD)!
Happy writing! Hope to see a sequel for this soon.
| Distilledfx 5/8/08 . chapter 1
I will say I was a bit surprised by this story after reading the summary. I expected this to be (for starters) from the perspective of a half-demon. I also expected it to be dark and evil, which surprised me. This could just be me coming from writing my own story which is definitely dark and twisted.
You set the scene well, just enough description. I like his name, Tike, it's something I don't think I've seen before. The tone in the story at this point seems to reflect the bright spring time, but seems a little too cheerful for someone who is realising they have left no legacy and is near the end of his life. You reveal everything in a nice way and don't linger too long on anything, keeping the story moving forward. Tike has a strong sense of character and he seems like a determined old man. I feel sorry for him, as I think you wanted, but I also realise that (having read only the first chapter) that he will probably die just as Panther reaches adulthood, no doubt going to cause great drama for Panther.
Some errors I noticed:
"He had a long beard and partly close jet black eyes" - Should this be "closed"
"but he always hid that with snow hat over his head." - This should be "with a snow hat"
"he decided to settled down in the peaceful mountain area of Popor." - Should be "settle down"
"Tike had grown tired of fighting the darkness of men and wanted no part in the new modern age. Which is why he chose to live in almost complete isolation." - I think this should be one sentence, maybe separated by a comma but maybe not even that. You also use "isolation" in the next sentence, maybe use "exile" or "desertion" or something.
"Tike was not really expecting anything to happen, when a bird with rainbow feathers covering its body flew pass his eyes." - "covering its body" seems unnecessary. Also I think it should be "past"
"He stared in shock as the bird flew to a small tree and landed gratefully." - Should this be "gracefully"?
"At the very moment his finished his thoughts, the bird flew past him." - Should this be "he finished his thoughts".
"He followed followed the bird until it suddenly disappeared into the sun’s rays." - You repeat "followed"
"It hair was long and a deep black color." - This should be "Its hair"
"This boy was beyond a doubt a half-demon." - Should this be "beyond doubt a half-demon."
"He must had wanted him to have this child and raise it as his own." - This should be "must have wanted"
Overall a great read with a simple yet well developed plot. My only complaint would be that it appears this wasn't proofread. The errors I picked up on distracted from the story, which only underlines the strength of Tike's character to shine through in spite of this. Thanks again for your advice with multi-chapter stories, look out for it in the review game soon!
| ClassicTrick 5/5/08 . chapter 5
This was a great short story. Ypu described the emotional journey that Panther goes through very well :) I would love to see this story continue.
Some corrections you might want to go back in fix is whenever you typed carved, you spelt it like craved
and “It’s been a year since you lift. I miss you so much.” Panther shuddered lightly.
i think you meant left. Great story!