FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Esther Jade 2008-04-20 ch 1,  | abuseI like the first sentence, if I can call it that. I think "fuming hatred" is very evocative and the image of the paint is a nice one. I also like the way you've split it up - I think you positioned it well. The second sentence, if I can call it that, doesn't seem to have quite the same power. The "paint" image is quite innovative whereas I find the second "sentence" a bit cliched. It feels like an anti-climax. Also, I think to heighten the suspense you might want to end-stop the second to last line with a comma. - Esther, currently reviewing for the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile) |
| fatbird33 2008-04-19 ch 1, | abuseYAY great message |