Reviews for Snow White, Blood Red

Tytherpol
2008-04-26
ch 7,

abuseidk how specific i should be--if i should just give an overview of my opinion on the style (which is well thought out, in my opinion) or if i should give specifics. so i'll do specifics, and if that's not what you were looking for isry (:

-1-

"My outlook on humanity was as such that I paid little attention to anyone outside my family— and even then, there was little for me to look into." -this is worded really awkwardly, and i kind-of wish the family part was either more developed or omitted.
"But for all their bad-** attitude, they looked quickly away from me, Medusa, and my glacial gaze." :) i love this.
"sweet metal and sparkles" -- (i wouldn't repeat this. or, if anything, the second one would be "still sweet metal and sparkles" or something)
she really actually does seem like a mermaid. and i really like the honesty of your speaker.

-2-

"I shed an exoskeleton and gain yet another wisdom." --omg. beautiful. the whole thing is.
but it seems like it doesn't fit the rest of the story--if it's still from mara's pov, that is. if it's to establish a new tone, i don't think that's necessary. and if it's to introduce a new part of mara's personality, i think it came a little too soon in the story, if that makes sense?

-3-

pries t--but i really like that comparison of your hunger to abstinence. i relate lol.
a bout
for a fact --omit?
--you switch between past and present tense a lot in this chapter. it would probably sound better individually in present tense, but to go w/ the rest of the story, i guess you need to just put the whole chapter in past tense.
"My reaction was automatic, almost like a gag reflex. Pause midstep; shift, turn;" -- :) i love it.
"It was less that she walked up to me than she flounced." --that's kind-of awkward to me.

-4-

"Little boys turned to rats and skeletons, girls to tomtin and malevolent fairies. " -- that's so awesomely described.
"like a speck of dust carried by a phantom wind."--um that seems a little unecessary
ahah i love how surreal you made her art teacher.
the sentence structure was used v effectively at the end of this chapter.

-5-

"It’s an invasion that we are too blind to stop." --true muther**ing that.
"With her, there was never an obsession over flaw because I’d grown up with them."-- kind-of awkward

-6-

it's really pretty and well written. kind of teen-ish, though. but honest, too.
it's also present tense?
i guess i'm too dumb to see how it ties into the the story all that well, but i'm sure later chapters will explain it.

-7-

i love this.
i guess you've officially switched to present tense? w/e i really like your sentence structure. really a lot.
and her text is so fitting.
is this piece going to go in 6 chapter cycles? or something... i can't tell yet.

i really like it, though.

you use your vocab really well. and the sentence structures fit it, so that it doesn't seem thesaurus-ed in.
the title "Snow White, Blood Red" was the reason i didn't read it in the first place. it's really misleading, and i don't think it does the piece justice. like at all. :)
but i really like the individual titles of the chapters.
nice job.

i didn't realize i didn't have you on author alert before.
oops. :)

Cheeto Flavored Love
2008-04-19
ch 7,

abuseinteresting story so far, please continue!

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