FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| not sure yet 2008-10-02 ch 1,  | abusethis one is very intimate, and quiet and sad |
| bahaghari 2008-08-12 ch 1, | abusesome people are really hard to forget. i like the sentiment. |
| softersin 2008-06-11 ch 1, | abuseWOW ! This is simply amazing. I can relate. keep it up :) |
| dollface and her cancer 2008-05-29 ch 1, | abusethat feeling we all want to capture. lovely. |
| thursdays and rain 2008-05-28 ch 1, | abuselovelove the sentiment ;) |
| laughter at the funeral 2008-05-18 ch 1, | abusethe first line is so whimsical. but i think ive read better ones from you. ^_^ |
| here to eternity 2008-05-02 ch 1, | abusewonderful. I especially like this: "Your hand in my own, helping/Me after the fall—a part of me/Still loves you, a part of me still /Yearns for you". I can definitely relate. I love the feeling this poem paints; longing, slightly, but kind of regretful. I dunno. excellent job, though. |
| summerbee 2008-04-21 ch 1, | abusethe title of this is just breathtaking. I don't even know why, but it's so pitch-perfect and draws you in right away. well, being a wistful teenaged kid I guess I relate to this pretty strongly, but I think you absolutely captured the feeling. I like the bittersweet, nostalgic feel to it all. first word of the third line should be 'Your' not 'You're', a little typo I guess. and just two recommendations- the use of 'doll' at the end of the first line just sorta throws me, it seems a little gaudy and vaudeville-ish compared to the conversational tone of the rest of the poem. and also, capitalizing every first line [even when it was still the same sentence] seemed to break the flow. beautiful poem, as usual, you are such an amazing writer :] |
| a silenced revolution 2008-04-20 ch 1, | abuseThe flow is excellent, quite rhythmic. I like the concept of one's smile glowing in the dark. However -- 'You're smile' & 'You're hand' -- this person is a smile and a hand? I can't tell if this is an error or something more complex that I don't understand. Overall I like it, but seems like it almost needs just a little more, just something more original to finish it and give it more impact. .adrian. |
| Aquafied 2008-04-20 ch 1, | abusenot quite as haunting as your usual pieces much more simple |