|Reviews for This is what I lived|
| digna's boobs 8/26/08 . chapter 1
it was good. *phone vibrates* o! txt!
| UnDesiredRomance 7/12/08 . chapter 1
I loved it.
| melo 7/3/08 . chapter 1
good poem... it is so tru... preeach katty preeach
| aberlemno 6/9/08 . chapter 1
I like the first part of the poem a lot. The first two lines make a powerful image, and you get a good rhythm going. I think maybe on the eighth line, the rhythm falls apart a bit and the second part of the poem is not as strong as the first. I'm not sure about the line 'chases away their true hugs' but that may just be me. I think "love awakens behind the poking pain...in your heart." has the potential to be a very good line but it doesn't quite fit into the poem as a whole, and I don't know if it really needs the ellipsis. That's up to you though. Anyway, you have some great imagery in you, so keep writing. Poems take a lot of faffing about, I still haven't managed to get one of my own to a stage where I think it needs no more improvement.
| Will Sachiksy 6/7/08 . chapter 1
This poems has experimental and confessional vibes, both of which make it hard to judge the poem fairly. Take my review as more of a suggestion than a "You did this wrong, wrong, wrong" sort of thing. Warning: I give very thorough reviews.
Stream-of-consciousness was a good choice for this poem. It helped pull me along with the energy and emotion of the poem. However, in several places in this poem, I had to stop for unclear phrases. "I was asleep like bricks fall into a well" doesn't make much sense either by itself or in the context of the poem and might work better if it and the second line were rewritten in a simpler form: (e.g. "I fell asleep like bricks into a well/Had a dream about angels in hell."). Something to ease up the phrases.
I loved lines three through seven. Grammar and punctuation melt away under your mournful images. These lines wouldn't have worked without tremendous effort in traditional poetry, so thank you for taking advantage of your form.
Lines eight through ten seemed like you were trying to find rhymes rather than write the idea you wanted. I get the general sentiment, but it feels like you had to compromise your message to fit your rhyme scheme. If you can't make what you want to say match smooth rhyming, here might be a good place for a rhyme scheme breakdown to match the bitter epiphany of these lines.
Finally, the last two lines form a fitting closing and a bit of revalation of the narrator's character. Very nicely done. Only thing I would change about the end is to take off the ellipses and leave the last line unpunctuation. All in all, I very much enjoyed this poem.
Don't give up writing if you don't get review unless you don't find writing fun anymore.
| Dolvich 6/7/08 . chapter 1
Nice. Flowed very well.
Looking forward to more of your work.