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| Terrance Riverdarb 2008-04-20 ch 3,  | abuseOh man I had high hoped for this. It seems you may have taken a turn in a direction that is not in tune with my tastes (it's a personal matter more than anything). Anyway, I promised a weigh in and this is what I think of what i already read: David's character needs a little more insight. We had a little peek of what he *might* be like in chapter 2, but nothing elaborate yet. Your imagery is vivid (This is good). Your writing isn't bad either, but sometimes the words you choose make the sentences sound odd. Otherwise everything else seems to be great. The idea of angelic talismans and "quests" is something I frown upon in this genre, but as I said this is a personal issue and doesn't reflect anything wrong with your story. Terry |
| Terrance Riverdarb 2008-04-20 ch 2, | abuseThis is an odd sounding phrase I found: "...began to add pounds back to my body" "too lazy to admit it was time to get back to work, but too stubborn to let go of the dream" -- should that but be and? "the beer or all the comics and movies embedded in my hazy mind" embedded may not be the right word. It makes me think of mechanical components. "The batteries in my mind must have leaked acid into my thoughts..." Ok? That sounds bad. It sounds a whole lot better if you take out the acid. (It could just be me, you know). "To say I had a dream would be like telling someone who had just won a lottery that they’d been lucky." This on the other hand, was good. Again, I'll weight in later on, but I just want to say so far I like how you've set it up that he has been desperate for an idea to write about, which could mean the dream he's about to have (or had) is manufactured by his subconscious. |
| Terrance Riverdarb 2008-04-20 ch 1, | abuseHi. This story caught my eye. I noticed it hasn't gotten any reviews, plus the summary was intriguing. Although it's a bit early to critique or praise, I must say I love the idea of the story being a novel written by the main character. You had an already interesting premise, and now you seem to have an interesting way of telling it. I'll check in again later to give my thoughts on what I'm about to read. Terry |