FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Imalefty 2008-05-24 ch 1,  | abusestraight from the review marathon! (link on my profile) wow, this is pretty depressing. it's a sad story of what the future COULD be like... i like how you split up the sections with headings... and how each heading is an element. :) it makes it more interesting and you've transitioned smoothly from one image to the next. there are a few awkward sentences... "Noses curled and heads trying to get the smell out of their noses." - the repetition of "noses" was a little weird... and how do heads try to get the smell out? "With the fall of the planet not like a living hell," - i think you mean... "not UNlike." i would suggest reading your piece aloud - it'll help you find some of the awkward wording. :) other than that, good job! keep writing! -Lefty |
| Decoris Verbum 2008-04-21 ch 1, | abuseAn thought-provoking, quick read. It sounded rather poetic to me; you get that image of watching a movie where it fades into a scene...then fades out...fades in...fades out. Cool idea. |