FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Kjersti 2008-06-16 ch 1, anon. | abuseOh, man, that was so sad. And beautiful. I loved it. |
| erisedveela 2008-04-22 ch 1, anon. | abusehaha crazy! i love it! :D |
| N.J Robinson 2008-04-22 ch 1,  | abuseWow, this was intense. I like all of the metaphors, but in a way there are too many. It's kind of like a tennis ball machine just pumping away without remorse. You keep firing metaphors out one after another, making me take in a deep breathe and not release until you've stopped comparing the characters to horses and wolves. Don't get me wrong, you executed your paragraphs and sentences beautifully and you showed a myriad of emotions that could really be felt. But the comparisons tend to become overwhelming rather quickly. Try taking out a few and see how it sounds. Also, the ending took me by surprise. I didn't get the feeling that anyone was getting married until the woman thought about it. To me it felt like that element was just thrown in because you needed something to justify the man's need to hear the woman tell him she loved him. Besides that though, the story was very well-written. You're writing style is quite good, just tone down the comparisons and I think you'll be doing really well. |