Reviews for Murphy's law - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Murphy's law

Tawny Owl 2008-07-03 ch 1,	abuseI thought that it was a nice twist that it was his daughter that he was fighting with rather than a love interest which is usually what happens. Seeing them interact together like that was well made the ending particularly heartbreaking. I though you dealt with it really well, actually. I got a real feel for Murphy through his voice as well. I felt really sympathetic towards him actually but I can’t quite place my finger on why.
SupaFly Writings 2008-07-03 ch 2,	abuseThe only word I have for this is 'Wow'. Detail was amazing. You described everything perfectly. Pacing was excellent as well, the tension could not have been higher. A few things I didn't like however. I felt that the racial slurs, although needed for character, were quite heavy and overused. Almost every sentence that came out of his mouth was racist. I understand that it is needed for story, but just remember that it can be overdone. I didn't quite get what the person was that attacked. You didn't describe him at all except for when Murphy referred to him as an old man. I'm still not sure weather he was a person or something else entirety. Also the fight, although quite good, seemed to drag on a little bit too long. It felt that most of it was just the man circling around in the darkness until the crossbow was taken out. Besides for those three things, an excellent addition to the story. Really hoping to read more in the future. I noticed several mistakes but I lost them as this window decided to close. I went back though but was only able to find these. someone else is here.Marlene is here! I wouldn't daredraw my gun ^Spaces are needed But I cam too far to turn back now. ^I've come
Ten ways to spoil dinner 2008-07-02 ch 2,	abuseWhat are thewords I'm looking for... good isn't good enough, neither is great wonderful awesome. This is one of those stories where I actually enjoy reading them. I can be a bit picky when choosing a good stories, but, this is good.
SupaFly Writings 2008-06-30 ch 1,	abuseLiked the story, you kept it a mystery of why they were even out in the desert to begin with until the end. The fight scene is clearly detailed and I was able to imagine the whole thing in my head. Everything flowed nicely. I really liked how you described their feelings in their eyes. A really nice touch. One line I didn't understand was this "My rifle hits the ground, sending a burst of hot lead erupting through the air." Maybe its just my lack of experience with guns but I don't understand why it would go off by hitting the ground. Perhaps you can elaborate on that. Found a couple errors here "There's no way mydaughter is this weak..." A space between my and daughter "The sound was far away, but qt the same time, growing nearer" qt? I think its suppose to be at.
x-AmeliaRose-x 2008-06-21 ch 1,	abuseThat description was ubelieveable! i really liked. besides a few simple errors like "collapses" and "rifle" it was well. it flowed easily too.
Zonne 2008-05-04 ch 1,	abuseHere is your FREEBIE Prize! Congrats “” into deep pools of lavender, forming a chaotic blend, simultaneously standing out and blending in. A swirl of disarray, overlooking an endless sea of chestnut dunes.”” Second sentence is a fragment. Try: into deep pools of lavender, forming a chaotic blend, simultaneously standing out and blending in; a swirl of disarray, overlooking an endless sea of chestnut dunes. “”My shift was almost over; five, maybe ten more minutes. Each second is an eternity, made of nerves and sweat. My rifle is heavy, so I tuck it into my chest. “” This is an example of the most difficult thing about your story. Changing tense. You do it often and while I think this an intriguing story and want to read on, the changing from is to was to is to was frustrates. “”Despite its soft texture, the sand does not relieve much of the pain from impact. My head is reeling, and when I finally open my eyes, I'm looking down the barrel of a gun. My own gun, with my attacker behind it.”” Fragment – you could try: gun; my own gun, my attacker behind it. I wrap my left hand around the muzzle, deflecting a shot past my right ear. I go deaf again, but I ignore it. My right hand jumps forward, grasping the stock of the rifle. SHE SHOT AT HIM!! Gasp. She’s pretty serious eh? She recovers fast; too fast. I don't have time to line up a shot. I rush her instead, swinging the rile butt for her face. Just a typo, “rile” should be rifle My free hand lunges toward the concave side of her elbow, forcing it to buckle. She ccollapses on top of me, and I roll over. Another spelling typo… ccollapses really only needs one c "There's no way mydaughter is this weak..." Space between my and daughter. I knew that ould get to her. Ever since she was little, ould should be would The sound was far away, but qt the same time, growing nearer. qt should be at It was unmistakable, this rumbling sound. It was the sound of a vehicle, making its approach. The only unknown was it's nature: Was it friend, or foe? it’s should be its The truck lumbered on, mocking my indecision with unyielding progress. No doubt the driver could see us, but he didn't faulter for even a moment. faulter should be falter Okay, all that little stuff aside. I found this intriguing, repeatedly. First I wanted to know WHO and then was surprised that SHE was a girl, then surprised SHE was his DAUGHTER! Then the ending, ouch. Well done building a lot of suspense and interest and being so NON-cliché. This story could go anywhere and be interesting because you built such a great character and opening. Write on Z
poorkeitaro 2008-05-02 ch 1,	abuseFirst, let's get the typos out of the way. :) typo - She ccollapses(collapses) on top of me, and I roll over. I was on top of her, and felt my face contort into a smile. typo - "There's no way mydaughter(my daughter) is this weak..." typo - The sound was far away, but qt the same time, growing nearer. typo - "An ol(ol' or old) man like me... you should be ashamed of yourself." I liked the characters a lot, and I think you did a brilliant job illustrating them. They are cookie-cutter, and they have aspects you agree with and disagree with; basically, they seem real. You also picked a great spot to end the first chapter. I think one of the key elements to a successful story is making it hard on the reader to put the book down at the end of the chapter. :) The plot read well also, however there was one spot that stuck out to me. During the skirmish between father and daughter, she nearly shot him in the head. That made it seem a lot more violent, and it's something I don't think a father and daughter would do in a scuffle. That's more life-or-death. Unless, of course, that was the intent; then disregard my comments. :) Overall, I think you did a great job with this piece, and hopefully you have chapter two out sooner than later. :)
AlphaNess 2008-05-01 ch 1,	abuseI beleive that this is probably the most awsome thing I have read on this site so far :) I wish I could write like this, so compelling and descriptive, with alot of drama and a sudden twist to add to it to make it perfect. Things I liked, - The plot so far is just scratching the surface of something much bigger and heftier I beleive. I think this story has so much potential and awsomeness to it, so definetly continue this, (Only if you can make it as awsome as this chapter of course, which you will be able to.) Things i didn't like - Dust ball passes through barren street Theres nothing not to not like about this peice. Any way continue, Awsome work :) As you ccan tell I like the word Awsome to be associated to this peice.
SomethingNifty 2008-04-28 ch 1,	abuseWow! I really liked all the how detailed you got. The one thing that bothered me was that somtimes you were just a little bit repetative with your vocabulary, you would repeat the same word very soon after you used it the first time. It's no big deal, but that's just something I look at, and I had to do something wrong for the "game", so there it is! Until we meet again! ~SomethingNifty
co525 2008-04-27 ch 1,	abuseGreat job! Unlike many people, you did a good job using present tense. Not many people can do that so well. You also kept me hooked by keeping me in suspense the whole time. Be sure to do the same in the next chapter. You also did a great job at describing the feelings and emotions. Maybe you could describe more sight next time? I'll be waiting for chapter 2!
xxvisionaryxx 2008-04-25 ch 1,	abuseReview Game! Some errors: "Swinging the rile butt for her face" - I believe you mean rifle butt. "I knew that ould get to her" -change ould to would "but qt the same time," qt should be at. Those are the basic grammar errors, there was some odd phrasing too but it didn't bother me much so I can't really remember it. This was a really good story. It was interestingly structured and your fight scene was brilliant. The only thing that I didn't like about this was the beginning. It was a bit too descriptive and detailed for my tastes, but I'm a minimalist. Thanks for a good read V
N.J Robinson 2008-04-24 ch 1,	abuseDude, that was awesome! I love the description and the bonding between the characters. It isn't too fast and it isn't too slow, it reads at just the right pace to make it tug at the mind. I love how you kept up the suspense in the beginning, not letting on until just the right moment that the supposed enemies are actually father and daughter. And the dialog runs very smoothly, leading me to actually picture the two of them speaking. Aside from a few grammatical errors here and there, nothing seems wrong with the piece. I look forward to reading more. Keep up the awesome work.

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