Reviews for Victim - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Victim

Distilledfx 2008-06-10 ch 1,	abuseReview Game! With a title like this I had to read this story, even though it was so short. While the story is only 246 words, this has a lot of feel and you tell a lot with what you have used. A lot of writers could learn from this. The plot in this is as much as I expected from something like this. It's clear and we understand exactly what is happening very quickly, though I don't recall you explaining a setting. I imagined it was set in a park or something. Your choice elements and how you reveal them (like what the man did to his daughter or that he is running) are amazing, you choose things that instantly make us feel the way you want about what is happening. I try to do this myself and you make it look so easy. The last line did have me a bit confused. Was she hunting someone unconnected after him, would she kill the daughter too? While I think this was intended as a twist, for the full impact it has to be completely clear what you mean. Your writing is also pretty nice. Having written so many poems I expected this to be overly flowery, but it wasn't. You explain what is happening in the simplest and most effective way but not in a way that seems stripped back. I think that this is how all description should be. There are no errors or typos and you work appears proofread (or maybe your a freak :D). Awesome. The characters in this were somewhat empty, but they are real enough for this. You don't even tell us either of their names because it is unimportant. You tell us what we need to know: She is a vamp, he is a sick bastard, she is hunting him because of this, she won't be caught. You make us hate the victim as quickly as you introduce him. This makes us enjoy what she is doing and feel that while he is caught in a terrifying situation, that it is justified in every way, as she no doubt also feels. Again, this is what I think all characters should be like, while they need to be fleshed out, they need to be molded to fit the story perfectly and get the correct reaction from the readers. Obviously, I enjoyed this quite a bit, enough to write a review probably longer than your actual story. Everything here is as it should be and could be used as an example of how simple and effective description can be. If you want anything else reviewed just PM me, I'd be happy to help (though I don't usually do poems). Nice work.. keep writing.
Fractured Illusion 2008-06-07 ch 1,	abuseFight For the Freebie! :D "the sick bastard. Getting all worked up over some sick online video and then molesting his little girl." that sick bastard has a better flow in my opinion :p Also you say "sick" twice, and it'd be better if you had a synonym on one of the places, instead. "tainted blood" How is the blood tainted? What is the blood tainted by? I don't get it... I know this is more of a stylistic thing, but I didn't like that you began most sentences with "She" and other such nouns. The writing itself wasn't allowed to come to life due to that. It was so fixed and all. Like another reviewer already pointed out: I like that this vampire chose him due to morals. He did something wrong (pedophilia) and she punishes him for it. I always thought it interesting when people took the law into their own hands. Regarding spelling, I couldn't notice any faults, aside from my preference of "that" har har. So good job on that ^^ Btw, Young Adult? This feels like a Supernatural story, since she's a vampire (or SOME kind of supernatural creature). Frac
Briar's Thorn 2008-06-06 ch 1,	abuseinteresting, i wish all guilty could be delt with so. but im surprised that she would suck him dry, if i was her i wouldnt want his tainted blood running through my vains it would make me feel violated, dirty, like i need a bath or something. but thats only my opinion. other than that i like its good
Asherah Seirei 2008-05-27 ch 1,	abuseI'm not usually one for vampire stories, but this one was well written. I liked it. You didn't need to know the girl's name or the victim's name to care about them--to cringe when she finally bit him, to feel his fear. This vampire has morals, and I like that. I don't know whether to feel sorry for the man because he's being bitten or hate him because he's a criminal. =^^=

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